Happy Picnic!

Yesterday was Adelaide's annual "Picnic in the Park", a gay & lesbian event where we go to a park en-masse and drink, basically. Well, and sit on picnic blankets, parade our new partners in front of our ex boyfriends, get drunk, laugh at the lube-wrestling, and have a good perve. All fun, really. It starts at midday, so this year I decided to have a champagne and chicken breakfast to get everyone rearing to go by 12. It worked. We were all quite tipsy, lots of fun, really. I had to convince my lovely housemate to drive me to the bottle shop so I could pick up another 4 bottles of champers. All together I think we went through 7 bottles of a lovely Asti, 2 bottles of Croser, 1 bottle of Bollinger, and about 4 other bottles of mixed quality that friends turned up with. We were all quite merry, really. People just sat around my lounge room, listened to music, picked at the chicken salad, and got drunk. As other people's friends turned up at the picnic, they'd go across to the park (just across the road from my house, quite handy really), and eventually we were all over there.

Picnic is a great event, 'cos you see people you haven't really seen since the last picnic. It's a lot of "oh hi, how are you, nice cute boy you've got there, we really must catch up, oh gotta go there's such-and-such" and running off to air-kiss the next person.

Ok, it's not quite like that. But to a certain extent it is.. hehe.. I was quite a fabulous sight this year - wandering around with a plastic martini glass and a bottle of Bollinger in my other hand. Fabulous.

My good friend and his not-quite-boyfriend-since-they-broke-up-and-they're-almost-back-together had a big argument whilst both were drunk, and I had to go down to arbitrate that for a bit, but other than that it went smoothly for myself and my friends. My boyfriend had some old(er) guy come up to him and say "has anyone told you how cute you are?" (which is like -7 points for trying, what a line, eh?) and he replied "my mum tells me all the time, gotta go, bye!". He's quite proud of himself. Rightly so.. *grin*

So yeah - was a really good day. Afterwards Craig and I wandered home, rested for a bit, ordered pizza and watched bad movies on TV. A really nice weekend, overall! :)

Joyeaux Noel!

Merry Xmas all. Why do I say that? Because last night I attended my christmas party for the language school where I'm learning French. Well, I wouldn't say learning, I'd say improving. We all went to a restaurant down near the beach, it was really good. Great night, great weather, and a really nice outlook onto the beach. There would have been about 12 tables of about 12 people on each, so it was really quite a turnout. I sat next to a lovely young lady called Kate, and she and I chatted for most of the night, exchanging our overseas experience stories. She's in love with Italy; myself with France. But we've both found Venice to be particularly alluring, so we chatted about that a fair bit. Opposite me was a fairly quiet guy called Simon, after everyone had left he and I managed to have a conversation; he's in the air force, moves around a bit, and is learning French because he's traveling there early next year.

So yeah - was a good night. Managed to use my gaydar to spot a couple of gay guys there - one learning French and the other Italian. Pity the cuter of the two was learning Italian though, not French. No matter. I'll find reasons to chat to them if I see them around the language school.

During the night was a quiz night, basically, and all related to foreign languages or culture. I think we did pretty well, including the bonus points section for getting up and singing a nursery rhyme in a different language.

I've only been at the language centre for about 2 weeks, so I didn't really know anyone, still, everyone was very friendly so I had no issues. It's a pretty vibrant school - students joke about it being like a cult, but we're all adults so I think we're able to cope. There are "cultish" type feelings on somethings, but I think that's just the centre's enthusiasm for success and achieving. I think most of the students are quite cynical so it's probably a nice balance.. *laugh*

I'm back!

I got in!

To what? I hear you ask. Well, on the weekend I auditioned for 42nd Street, the musical. It's being done here next year, by the Hills Musical Company. I've worked with them before, they're great fun to do a show with. It's an amateur theatre company, putting on two shows a year. Anyway, I'm very excited. By the time that opens, it will have been six whole years since I've been on stage. Wow, that's a long time when I think about it. That can't be possible. Gosh, it is. The last thing I did for theatre was choreograph Fiddler on the Roof, in 1998. I was onstage for A Chorus Line in early 1998, I think that was.

So yeah! Back on stage. I'm going to miss most of the rehearsals, well, maybe not most, but a fair few, when I'm overseas. But the role of "Andy" (which I'll be playing) is relatively small. He's the choreographer of the show inside the show. 42nd Street is about a theatre company putting on a show, "Pretty Lady" I believe, and Andy is the choreographer of that show. My ex boyfriend is playing the director of that show. Funnily enough, we were both in A Chorus Line, where he played the director and I played the choreographer. Well, it's a bit different, since in that show the director also choreographs, and I played the dance captain kinda thing, but the relationship is the same. And we've also been director/choreographer in real life, since he directed Fiddler when I was the choreographer. Talk about type casting! Well, it's always a good team.. hehe

The audtions were fun - my first in quite some time. It started with a "cattle call" in the morning, where all people auditioning for chorus and/or small parts was required to turn up, learn a song, and learn some dancing. I was in the group first learning the song - I knew it already, as did most people, so that was quite simple. I think most of us were worried about the dancing part though - I hadn't danced for about 5 1/2 years. So it was our turn, and we got onto stage to learn the dancing. Wasn't much tapping, just a shuffle here and there, quite simple overall. We then got a break, and during the break I ended up going through the dance bit with everyone that was a bit unsure, ie just about everyone! I spent my entire break going through it, I suppose once a choreographer, always a choreographer! It was fun though. I like turning back to everyone and dancing with them, but doing the opposite, like a mirror. Keeps your brain active to be able to change like that, I enjoy it. Of course I had to do a lot of that when I choreographed Fiddler, so I was used to it. So yeah - after the break we got called up in groups of four, and I was in the first group. I wasn't nervous at all, we did our dance, sang our song, did the dance again, and that was it. Very simple. So I went back out into the rehearsal room, and everyone still wanted me to teach them the dance. So, flattered, I did... hehe.. It was fun. I went through it with most of the people, then took some "problem" people aside to help them out intensively. Of course I loved every minute of it.

So yeah, that was that bit over and done with. Then they wanted two guys, and a bunch of girls back for more intensive tap auditions. I was one of the guys.. *gulp* The choreographer said "we're going to go through this a lot quicker than the last dance" and boy was she right. She zoomed through it. Took me ages to get my head around it, and all of a sudden we're in groups and performing it for her. Shite! Full on tapping, well, kinda, no wings or anything, but proper slap ups and toe hits and all that jazz. I think I did just "ok". But yeah, it was still fun. After that I went home for a break, 'cos I had to return later on in the afternoon for a private audition, since I was going for a part.

So I turned up later, for my private audition. I wasn't really nervous at all, strangely, since I normally *hate* auditions and almost end up puking. I guess because this time I didn't really mind if I got in or not, mostly I was doing it for fun, and to help out Max (the director). So yeah. I waited around as is normal at auditions, then went in. Sang my song, sang another song for a different part (the main young lead, shit I didn't want that part but they got me to sing it anyway) which was a little high for me, but I still think I did ok with it. Then came the dance part, and I was dreading "oh god, she's going to make me do wings or something" but it was about 15 seconds of soft-shoe and that was it. It was just token, really, I presume the choreographer had watched what I'd done in the group tapping section earlier that day, and didn't really need to see more. Then I read lines for "Andy" as well as "Billy" (the young lead), and that was that. He asked if I'd take the role of Billy if offered, I said "um, yes, if I have to", knowing that I couldn't *really* sing the part. So yeah, that was that! I went home and went to bed.. hehe.. Max (the director) called me later that night and offered me the role of Andy. Thank god.. hehe I wasn't really looking forward to making a fool of myself trying to sing the role of Billy.

So there you have it! I'll be back on stage around May next year, tapping away in 42nd Street! I'm looking forward to it.

Goals

Hrm. On my walk to the shop and back for lunch, I figured since it's nearing the end of the year, it's time to sort out some goals. Hopefully realistic ones.

Financial/Asset Goals
To own a vespa! Cool!
To have a new mp3 player.
To get 'that rug' for the lounge.
To get a DVD/VHS player.

Personal Goals
To become fluent in French.
To go to the gym more.
To write more of or even finish the novel/screenplay.
To write, shoot and edit a short film of some sort.
To join the Media Resource Centre

Business Goals
Find a good part-time contract.
Produce a business plan for the cards idea.
Gain interest from vendors for the cards idea.

Wonder how far I'll get...

Needs Work, Renovator's Dream

Thoughts on my "type"
I think I'm a wimp. I've just realised this. On the weekend I took a road trip with some friends to Melbourne, where we clubbed and drank and ate and basically had fun all-round. On Sunday night we were at a pub, in the "gay" section on the side. We were basically just sitting around and chatting and stuff, and I could see these two guys up at the bar, obviously debating whether to come over and sit with us. Me, specifically.
And they did. Lets call them Richard, and Peter. Richard was good looking, with a big smile and an enthusiastic manner. Peter was gorgeous, simply put. But I think it was Richard that was interested in me, who instigated the "lets go sit over there and talk to him" manoeuvre. But, I wasn't attracted to Richard, although he seemed to be a lovely guy. Peter was gorgeous... Kinda short, with short blond hair, a nice flushed face (the Prince William flushed cheeks look), and a very funny manner. And a great voice, too. Not only that, he's lived in France for a year or so, as well as having studied in Germany. So we had lots to talk about - his take on the different accents of the regions, what the people were like, etc etc. He also seemed rather successful, doing international marketing with a bank or something, I can't really remember the specifics he didn't really go into. Richard was into social working, also quite interesting.

But I found myself becoming quite attracted to Peter. He was funny, smart, spoke multiple languages, had worldly experiences. Very successful, I would imagine. Nice apartment in a nice suburb. We even talked about landmarks in Melbourne and he agreed that I really should see the Australian art gallery, as well as a newly opened up domed ceiling in the state library. A man after my own heart, to value those kinds of things.

Throughout our weekend, my friends and I pointed out people to each other, ie "There's a guy for you, Brad", etc. That led to discussions on what our "types" were. If I want to look at someone, I like looking at people with the eastern European look, mostly. Anywhere in Czech Republic, Slovakia, Scandinavia, Germany, etc etc. I like that look. But my "type" of personality I go for, it's always the same. Well, the ones I end up dating are always the same. They're always a little bit flawed, I guess, and have much less experience than I have. Renovators delights, as it were. People with issues about themselves - be it being newly "gay", or something else similar. People with plenty of baggage.

But I also find myself terribly attracted to people like Peter, above. Successful people. People with which I would imagine a hell of a lifestyle. Two people with my income, dating? That would be wild. Two people without the obvious big issues? Fantastic.

But in the end, they always make me run a mile. Just look at my attempt at dating Dominic, when I last lived in Melbourne. He had no issues. He had his own company, he was successful, had his shit together, was happy with himself. Great to be around. Just no big flaws. I run from people like that - I certainly ran from Dominic. And Andrew, another friend from Melbourne. I'd say we had an opportunity to date, it just never eventuated. He's certainly cute, and very successful. Comes from a very successful family. He's very genuine, caring, honest, and smart. All those things I'm attracted to in a person, just not in a relationship. I look at him today and think "shit, maybe I should have dated him". I'd probably think the same of Dominic if I saw him. And I was certainly thinking that of Peter the other night. I imagined what it would be like to date him.

But I know I'd never go through with it.

Which leads me to my conclusion - I'm a wimp. People who are as smart/successful/together as me, or even more so, threaten me. I don't like being around people that know more than me. Some of Peter's French scared me. I found myself to not be the most interesting person at the table, when he was there. That's threatening to me. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

So I'm a wimp. I date people I can impress. I don't date people I can really learn from, I date people who can learn from me. Is it out of compassion for them, or because I'm a wimp? I'm thinking it's the latter.

At the beginning of the "courtship" with Dominic, I said to him "don't let me run away from this because it's too good for me". He wasn't sure what I meant. I showed him within a week - I was out of there. As George Michael sings in one of his songs "You look for your dreams in heaven, but what the hell do you do when they come true?".

Peter was the guy of my dreams. I want him, but I don't. I'd try to date him, but I'd run a mile. Do I not want to be happy? Or does it all come down to a guy's fear of commitment? Do I run from things I think might work, only to find things that probably won't? Am I more comfortable failing? I already know I'm more comfortable when I'm not learning things from someone else. I already know that smart people make me feel uncomfortable.

So where to from here? I guess realising these things about myself will help me in the future. Do I continue dating people like I do, or do I try to find someone successful? I guess I'll just play it by ear. Anything that I end up in, that I put my heart into, is bound to be worthwhile, however long it lasts. I love Craig enormously. He may not be an investment banker, or multi-lingual, or able to travel overseas at the drop of a hat, but he's my boyfriend and I love him.

Visit for the family...

Well, what a fun weekend. I went back home for the weekend, for my dad's auntie's 50th wedding anniversary. It was great! She's the matriarch of the family, so it was no bother for me to fly back just for the occasion. Besides which, I also got to see my gorgeous niece again. She even remembered me! (Probably after prompting by mum). But still, it was good. Barbra (dad's auntie) and Ron (husband) hadn't been told about the night, it was a secret! Friends of theirs even lied about what was going on, and apparently they were quite disappointed that no one was going to be around that night to celebrate. Instead, we dragged them out to the pub where they got quite a surprise. It was a lovely night.

I got to sit next to Maya (my 17 month old niece) again, which was a lot of fun.. Nan on one side, uncle on the other. Was a laugh. Also had to arbitrate between my elder niece and nephew who were arguing over $5 my brother had given them to spend on computer games. Was I ever like that? Probably worse. They're pretty good kids, really.

Oh - I was also over to install a couple of CD burners for mum, for her shop, well, one at her shop and one at home. Her backups were taking up 6 floppy disks, and her old zip disk thingies were outdated and unsuitable. I thought teaching mum how to burn CDs was going to be like pulling teeth, but it wasn't too bad. She's catching up on all this technology eventually.. hehe

Saturday we didn't do much - worked at mum's shop in the morning (we had a ripper of a day!), and vegged about at home that night. We then later went out to Barb & Ron's place for dinner, and to play cards. I played abysmally. Oh well. It's still fun, and I still love playing cards.

Sunday I slept in (yay!) and then we went to see my brother. I took the eldest nephew and niece down to the playground, and Kye rescued a bird hopping around with a broken wing. I knew his mum would never let it back in the house, but he insisted. Oh well, he'll learn.

I then played with Maya again, and we left. Vegged about the house a bit more and then went to catch my plane.

So yeah, a nice weekend for me. I'm being rather "family" this year, and I think Maya is to blame.. *laugh* It's nice, though, and makes a change.

Emotions are like waves

I got a little bit upset Saturday night. Not so that you'd notice, I'm rarely like that, although someone told me I was a bit subdued. I passed it off as still feeling a bit sick from last week's food poisoning.

I saw Craig out, on Saturday. Not my boyfriend Craig, another guy. Without going into a huge history, we had finally met after lots of good chatting on the net, we fooled around a couple of times. Trouble is, he's Dylan's ex. And he was over whilst Dylan was living with me, in the spare room, as a friend. We'd broken up, and I really thought that was it, it was never going to happen again.

So anyway, Dylan freaks out at the possibility of Craig and I getting together. I have no idea why, until it eventually comes out that he was still in love, but he was waiting until I got back from Europe (I was going away for a couple of months) to actually do anything.

So there I was, stuck between someone I knew I loved, and someone I might love in the future. Craig was an unknown quantity - we could have lasted a week, maybe we would have lasted ten years. I didn't know. But Dylan, I knew what we were like together, and I missed that enormously. So I went back out with Dylan, and stopped whatever might have occurred with Craig.

He freaked, understandably I guess. So between he and me it's been pretty hit and miss. I think we caught up once again, way after Dylan and I had broken up (for real that time), and it was good. Fine, we shagged. I even caught a bloody bus for like an hour to go see him in a crap pantomime. Even bought him flowers for the show.

So I dunno. I mean, I like(d) him a real lot, I would have been dating him if it wasn't for Dylan's reaction. He's smart, funny, a little bit screwy, and pretty naive but in an arrogant way. Tons of baggage, just the kind of guy I like. Well, the kind of guy I fall hard for.

So do I still have feelings for him? Of sorts, yeah. I still try to keep in contact but he's so hit and miss. I rarely see him online, and he lives a long way away, so it's hard to go visit. And no matter how many times I try to initiate contact, or initiate a catch up, he puts me off.

And that was the brief background? lol So anyway.

He was out on Saturday night. I was out at the pub with my Craig, and a good friend Chantelle. I was talking to them, and I thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Since I'm hardly out, and I think he's hardly out, I wasn't sure if it was him. So I sent a hello? SMS. I saw where he ended up at the other side of the bar, and I saw him get the SMS. He read it, barely looked up, and obviously the person he was with said "who was that?" and he replied something, and I can't lip read much, but I did see my name. He didn't even really look around.

So about 10 minutes later I sent him another SMS, just a funny comment about what he was drinking. He glanced around and saw me, but there was no contact in the eyes, no moment, he saw me, but that's it.

So that's why I got upset.

So why are emotions like waves? Because there's something that I always try to remember in situations like this. Are you familiar with wave theory? Things go up and down, right? If you add two waves together, there are a number of results. If the peaks and troughs occur at the same time, then you get twice as big peaks and troughs. If they occur at the opposite times, they cancel each other out.

So my emotions, and my ability to cope, and my desires and all that, is a wave. It resonates at a certain level. It's like a wave. As soon as you add another person's wave, the results are unpredictable. It could be that you're both in a trough at the moment, then you end up with a shitty situation. When you're both peaking, it's wonderful.

You can't always rely on someone else to be completely understanding, to be able to handle every situation with a calm resolve, etc. So I was feeling a little awkward with him there, and probably so was he. I think I ended up so upset because I let his "wave" interfere with mine, and it doubled my emotions downwards.

This all makes sense in my head, and I'm not being as eloquent and succinct as I normally am, I hope it makes a little sense to you.

Basically: humans are unpredictable enough on their own. Add another unpredictable human and sometimes the results suck more than they actually should.

So I try to remember that I'm dealing with unpredictable people. Craig has tons of his own issues, he's more unpredictable than most. I mean, no-one other than him really knows what's going on his head, and I shouldn't let his behaviour affect me so much. The past is the past, I would have liked to have been friends, since we were close enough to consider dating, and I'm sad to see that go.

I love my niece(s)!

Well what a rare occasion. Both of my brothers were in town last night and we were able to catch up. First time that's happened in a couple of years, actually. I have two older brothers, Jason the eldest, and Shaun. Jason lives in Melbourne with his wife Melanie, and Shaun lives back in Port Lincoln with his wife Kym, and four kids.

So anyway - Jason came by and we drove down to see Shaun and Kym - the two eldest kids were elsewhere, but the other two were there. Maya is 17 months and Leila is, oh, about 5 months. Maya is simply gorgeous. She's just getting to the point where she can say a lot of things. What's most often out her mouth is "what's that?" as she points. I guess she sees her parents doing that all the time. She's so cute. I took the new toy down as well, and managed to get some footage.

Was good to drive down there with Jason, too, it's been a while since we caught up just the two of us. In the past it's always with his wife, and well, it's not the same. So yeah, it was great. I finally worked out exactly what it is he does, since the only ideas I had were so amorphous I wasn't really sure. His company makes calibration and testing equipment for the telecommunications industry. He sells the stuff, but he's also quite technical. He can't make the stuff, but he understands the theories contained within. Which is cool. He's always been smarter than me anyway :) He loves his job - he just got back from something in Montreal and Toronto. Lucky sod :) I'm very pleased. I didn't want to be the only one in the family to travel and be well paid. I always felt too different as it was.. *laugh*

So yeah, back to Friday night. Was great! We sat around the house for a while (my brother's mother-in-law's place, she's lovely), and then went out to dinner in a very nice restaurant. You know, the kind of place where it looks like you can't afford it.. hehe

We took Maya - Leila was left at home to sleep. I took the chair right next to the highchair.. hehe.. I've noticed my mum do that, so since she wasn't around I figured I'd get to! :) She was so well behaved. And lots of fun. Apparently my brother and wife had been teaching her to say "Marcus" all week. Dunno, but it didn't really bother me what she said, she was cute nonetheless. I loved the way she said Nemo (from the movie), it was Nemooooooooooo. And pencils is pensooooooooooooos. Very cute. Especially when she has a Finding Nemo colouring-in book and had to use pensooooos on Nemooooooooooooooo.

Dinner was lovely, too. Afterward we went back to the mother-in-laws, and we sat around, had a beer, chatted more, caught up, traded horror stories about mum & dad (as only siblings can), and did some more filming of my gorgeous niece.

It'll be nice to have something to try out with the video editing. I'm sure mum would love some footage of her grandchildren! hehe

So yeah, was a nice night. Jason stayed at my place, we chatted quite late, and this morning we went for breakfast at the cafe downstairs. Was nice to catch up. We always have plenty to talk about, even if we go into technobabble about the industry.. hehe.. Then we played Age of Mythology until it was time for him to catch his plane. Was a good night.

Aaargh!

With all this frustration rearing up of late, it's bringing the hermit in me screaming to the fore (metaphorically, at least).

Some background. I think we can only really count on ourselves. Other people, although trustworthy, have their own lives to live, their own flaws, their own motives. You can't expect a partner to stick around forever. Nor can they count on you to stick around forever. Given that, I've always believed I had to be happy on my own, living by myself, keeping my own company. And I am. Granted, my periods of being single don't really last for long, but I really enjoy it when I am. I lived for a year in Melbourne, where I was single. And it was one of the greatest years of my life so far, I had the time of my life. Even my next year, in London, was great. I was living in London, and Jens my partner lived in Stuttgart, in Germany. We saw each other every 3 weeks or so, but kept in constant contact during those three weeks. I had a ball. Time to myself, solitude, reflection time, time to play guilt-free computer games, etc etc. The time to be myself, and do the things I like to do on my own.

So if I know that I enjoy being on my own, why haven't I learnt my lesson? Dylan and I lived together, but I guess that was more driven by the fact he was sleeping on people's floors and in kitchens, and I wanted to give him his own space. And I don't think living together frustrated each other as much as it's now apparent that Craig and I frustrate each other.

But Craig moved in almost instantly. I think there were possibly two nights at the beginning where he didn't stay at my house, and then probably a few nights in the next couple of months where he didn't stay over. It's my own fault. I was hankering for him to say "I live here". I used to joke about him getting mail sent to his "real" address. I encouraged him to officially change his address. So it's my own fault - if I love my solitude, why on earth did I fight so hard to get him here all the time?

Because of the honeymoon period, I guess. Because that initial love and excitement forces you to be blind to all the things that may eventually frustrate the heck out of you. And while things were perfect, yes, I did want to see him 24 hours a day.

So, as I've said, it's my own stupid fault.

He says he'll probably move back home whilst he's finishing his uni stuff - and I think that's wise. He's getting so pissed off at uni that when he tries to study he just gives up. Gets frustrated, then gives up. Gets frustrated at *me*, then gives up. And I can't handle that, not on top of the usual relationship frustrations that I'm feeling about being penned in, with no time of my own. He pesters me after about 9 o'clock saying "lets go to bed early" when I haven't done half of the stuff I want to do before sleeping, getting up and going to work again. My evenings are my own - he wants me to lose half of them simply because he prefers falling asleep next to me. So I give up my night, and we go to bed. He falls asleep, I'm wide awake. I should just get up again, really.


I so need my own space. I can't even chuck a hissy fit and "go home", like he can. He's got me cornered in my own home, and there's nothing I can do about it. He even gets frustrated when I want to go out and do things on my own, albeit less now than before, I think he knows how much I'm getting cabin fever. He still doesn't like it though, no matter how he tries to hide it or say it's ok.

Normally by this stage in a rant I like to have a solution. I don't like to complain about things when there's no solution, and I hate it when others whinge and then don't do anything about it. So here's what I want. I want Craig to move back to his parents place - that will give him some space to himself, and to study, since he barely studies here. It'll give me some much needed space. I can play computer games all night without fear of recrimination, I can catch up with friends I've barely seen over the last ten months.

Not only that, but I think it'll resolve the "how would you live without me?" issue. Craig seems to think he does everything around the house - cleaning, cooking, etc. But he's never lived away from home before, he's always had his mum do everything. Now that the honeymoon is over, playing house is no longer quite so novel. I do most of my stuff without complaint or comment - heck I've lived out of home for almost 12 years. This is old hat to me. But to Craig, well, I guess it's a bit much. Cooking, cleaning, buying food, being gay for the first time, as well as being deaf and struggling at uni, it's all a bit too much for him. I've tried to be supportive, but I can't cope all the time. When he gets frustrated and inadvertently takes it out on me, then treats me like I couldn't even wipe my arse without him; it's a bit too much. As I've said, I prefer to live alone anyway. Now, with all this, I want it even more. I don't want this to get to a point where I don't want to be his boyfriend anymore, I think we can fix it before that happens. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me. I just need more space to be me, to be that person he loves.

Is that a solution? I hope so.

Corporate Machines

Thoughts on companies, bills, and overpopulation

I was chatting with a friend today about power bills, which led to my phobia of opening official looking envelopes, which developed into a rant about how I hate most of the western world.

Big leap? Perhaps. Good rant? Sure was.

The first time this really struck me was when I was living in Melbourne, working for IBM. I was waiting for a friend who worked for Telstra, in the foyer of his building in the CBD. Huge building, wasn't their main one, but still enormous.

It struck me then, as I watched literally hundreds and hundreds of people pour in and out of that building, all clones, all in suits, carrying briefcases, laptops, mobile phones, all carrying on their jobs. And it made me wonder, just how difficult is it to run a telephone company? But then again, Telstra is no longer just a telco, it's huge. But why? Mostly so upper managers can justify their jobs. They have to expand, always with the expanding. And more people are employed to push paper, shake hands, write memos, have meetings, give presentations, and walk in and out of their building past a now doleful looking me as I wonder just how the hell we got ourselves into this mess.

We create jobs to give ourselves something to do. We're so grossly overpopulated, and people need things to do, mostly so we don't get bored and start killing ourselves, but secondly because today's society has self-worth all tied up with your job. If you've got a good job, you have high self-worth. So we create these monster companies like Telstra to give all these poor sods a job to make themselves feel important, like they've got something to do.

And that's just the phone company.

Look at our tax returns? Why are there so many companies now that will do your tax return? Cos we've been so stupid as to make something that basically everyone *has* to do, too difficult to be done by everyone. Look at lawyers - we've made the law so complex that we have to hire people at $500 an hour just to make sense of it. We've become entangled in our own mechanisms to create self-worth.

'Scuse my French, but that's fucked.

We've made our lives so bloody difficult to live. Now Australia is getting into the "I'll sue!" mentality, just like we perceive America has. We're all very aware of our rights, and dammit we'll sue if we don't get them. I'm sure it's the first thing in people's minds even before they skin their knee, as they trip over a bump in the footpath. "I'll sue the bloody council!".

Fancy raising a suit against McDonalds 'cos the coffee was too fucking hot. I mean, really. Well, what I should say is, fancy him bloody winning? Where the hell have we taken ourselves?

Is it any wonder that people like me pop up from time to time? I joke about an inability to cope with the real world, and I truly think that's what it is. I have an abnormal fear of opening letters that come from official looking places. I'm constantly dreading bad news. I hate receiving bills. It's not that I don't like paying for them - heck, I use the service, I'm more than happy to pay for it, and I have a good job so I certainly have the money for it. It's just a feeling of dread that comes over me when I go to the mailbox.

Tax eludes me - I can see the logic (or the lack thereof) in the system, and appreciate it as a system, because I'm a programmer and analyst, but when it comes to inserting my personal life into the equation, I simply freeze up. I don't declare any deductions simply because I have a block. I can't even collate bills to give to my accountant, for *them* to work out deductions. It goes on my "to do" list, and stays there, haunting me.

So yeah, I suck. Well, a friend announced the other day she was doing her first tax return in about 5 years. I'm proud of her. If I didn't have my mother constantly nagging me, or a company nagging me whilst I was working overseas, I'd be in the same position. I'm proud of her for facing her demons and doing it. All the more proud because I know how it feels, and I'm not sure I'd be able to do it.

But enough about me, back to my rant. About the state of things. Is it really only to give ourselves something to do? I think it's just because we're overpopulated. Lets go back to the stone ages. Once a community got too big, I mean you didn't really need any more than 3 blacksmiths in a village, then people would branch off and start their own village. But still, we ended up with big towns, and I don't think we were "corporate" then. There would have been a few jobs in those towns simply to organise the town, but that's a council, that's fair enough.

So when did we get this "expand and make millions" mentality? I can understand why a local corner store decides to start selling alcohol - it's meeting the needs of the people nearby, it's adding value by making their lives easier, stopping them having to travel further. I can understand why malls exist - so you can get all your shopping done in one place.

But these big global companies that just suck up other companies, and merge, make money, create jobs, sack people, have takeovers.. it's all beyond me. AOL Time-Warner. Now there's a big company. 3M. Don't they own Kodak? Don't they also make post-it notes? Don't they also make pharmaceuticals?

I think we're all deluded. I think most people who go to their corporate jobs don't even know if they add value to anyone's lives or not. Just their own - they make money for their family. That's fair enough, but I think socially their job is a waste of time. Oh, I'm not pulling some holier-than-thou stunt, half of my jobs have been a complete waste of time. But I'm certainly drawn towards adding value where at all possible. Currently I'm working on online learning - I make it easier for people to study online, I make their experience more pleasant, and easier to use. I think I'm adding value. But I certainly don't fool myself why my boss does it - he does it to make money.

I don't have any solutions for this situation we've gotten ourselves into. I'd have to have more of a think about it. We're overpopulated, we've got to this point, we should seriously think about the way the world might turn in the next ten years. More population = more jobs = more bullshit. I think we're on a downward spiral, and I pity my unborn children.

Maybe that's it.. Maybe we should seriously think about why we have children. And how many we have! My brother has four. He and his wife are two. Once they're dead, that's two extra bodies on the planet. I don't think that's particularly responsible.

Although they say Australia is an aging population, and I remember someone saying we actually should be having more children.

Who knows, eh?

Two birthdays..

On Tuesday it was my ex boyfriend's birthday, and today it's his boyfriend's birthday. So my bf, and a good friend and myself went out to get them a present, and drop around for their birthdays.

As unglamorous as it is, we got them a bug zapper. Let me explain! They have a nice patio area out the back, and it's coming up to summer. So it's a very functional present, so I'm pleased with our choice. They also seemed pleased.

To me it's rather.. um.. suburban, I think I'd rather fend with the mozzies, but they seemed to like it.. :)

We also got to have a sing along! Well, rather my ex and my good friend sang, I squarked, the rest listened. I hadn't heard Chris (my ex) or Jacqui (the good friend) sing for a long time. They sang some of my favourite songs! The best they sing is "Van Diemen's Land", by U2. Gosh it's beautiful. Jac has some of the best harmonies I've ever heard.. It gives me chills, everytime.

I swear one day I'm going to rent out a studio, get all my friends together, and get their voices down on CD. They always seem so reluctant to sing, I don't care if they think they sound crap, it's all relative! I think they sound beautiful.

I wish Jacqui would sing on her own, though. She's always harmonising to Chris, or singing along to an mp3, never just her singing.

I wish I could sing like that. I guess I'm good at other things. And I really enjoying singing along myself, so I guess I don't need to be good at it, since I already enjoy it enormously.

Hrm. What would I need, if I were to hire out a studio. I guess one with a piano. I could also get Chris to record his backup music to CD, so we could play that. We'd need a talented pianist, too. Who would I want to sing? Probably just Chris and Jacqui. And Ben (another talented friend, but he lives in Sydney). Wonder if I could get them to do all the songs I love? I really like a Ben Harper song, but Chris won't learn it 'cos it's not sung in his style. *pout* I think he should branch out.. *laugh*

There are heaps of musicals songs I'd love for him to sing. I reckon I could get quite a few done, in a few hours of studio time, if I organised it properly...

I went out!

Well, I had a pretty good weekend. On Friday night I ended up going out afterall, with David. We went to a cool bar around the corner from my place, and he was expecting a call from one of his workmates, to then go drinking somewhere else. But David was stood up, so we got to go out instead. I got quite bevvied up on my G&Ts, him on his bourbons.. We ended up out at the club, did a bit of dancing, a bit of chatting, and I encouraged him to do as much flirting as possible. Was fun, I haven't been that tipsy in a while. I wasn't even that drunk at my own hosted cocktail party.. hehe

Craig was having trouble sleeping so he ended up joining us out, which was nice. We stayed a bit longer, and then made the trek to Hungry Jacks for munchies. Whilst we were there a heap of deaf friends turned up, the same ones from my friend's party the previous Monday. Was fun. Then home to bed, after drinking lots of water to try to avoid a hangover.

It didn't really work. I got a hangover, but what's worse, I ended up with Craig's cold. Well, not the cold, but the sore throat. I hate waking up feeling like that. Blerg. I was only thankful that it was Saturday and I wasn't about to waste my whole weekend feeling sorry for myself.

So yeah, didn't do much on Saturday, didn't go out. Just stayed in, played with my new camera, watched TV, that kinda stuff.

Yesterday was a good day.. I woke up reasonably early, and it was a glorious day. Spent some time outside in the planter boxes, doing some weeding. Did some tidying, in case Craig's mum came and visited. Then David rang and said he was working at some wine and food festival thingy in one of the main city parks. So I hussled Craig along into the shower, and we wandered down. And boy, I wish I'd known about it earlier! A whole park full of booths of wine and food, glorious! Thousands of people, too, was a great atmosphere. I got myself a glass and picked a nice pinot noir to start with. We caught up with David, and wandered around a bit. We ate, and sat down at some chairs to laze the afternoon away. What beautiful weather for it. Later we wandered home, Craig had a nap and I stuffed around on the computer, then watched Australian Idol. I cooked dinner for us, and then I went to bed to read a new book I'd bought ages ago but never got around to starting.

So yeah, a pretty nice weekend. I really have to spend more time outside, I think! I'd love to grow a nice rosemary box hedge along the planter boxes, I think it would smell lovely!

But yeah, it's Monday and I'm at work. Could hardly get out of bed this morning. Got to work just before midday. Such a beautiful day, too. And I've still got part of Craig's bloody throat infection.. Yuck.. I wanna go home!!!! :)

I'm seriously thinking of asking to return to 20 hours a week. I'm not cut out for fulltime, especially in summer.. hehe

Grrrr

Craig's frustrations are so infectious.. I had a chiropractic appointment to go to tonight, so I walked to where he was doing his course today, even got him an iced chocolate as a thanks. He drove me to the appointment, and at some point whilst I was getting my back popped and my neck wrung like a chicken, he got frustrated. At something. Probably a meeting he had to go to. So anyway, he came and picked me up on the fly, I had to run out the door and jump in the car. No time to put my seatbelt on, when he's thrusting rubbish at me to hold onto. Obviously it doesn't matter if I'm seatbelted or not. And he proceeded to speed away, snapping at me. Oh well.

My only beef is that it only takes seconds for his grumpiness to rub off on me. Not fair. I was having a reasonable day, and was feeling tender from the chiro. Putting up with Grumpy Craig ^TM was the last thing I wanted.

*sigh*

For better or worse, don't they say? :)

This is really cool...

I've been dispensing advice such as this to friends both gay and straight for a while, and now here's someone else's view:

Monogamy Is Unnatural, Fidelity Comes Hard For Humans--Gay and Straight

Have a read, it's cool!

New toy...

It's been relatively normal. Oh, I got a new toy, a digital handycam! It's a Sony, of course, a DCR-IP55. It's MicroMV, so the tapes are tiny. Does 1 Megapixel still shots, which is ok for my purposes. It's fun! And it's going to be fun. I've been hunting around the net for some screenplays to have some fun with. We're toying with the idea of re-filming Blair Witch Project, or at least some of the parts of it. Could be fun. Have also found a screenplay to a short film, involving two guys and a closet. A bit of a laugh, and a bit poignant, too. And no huge special effects budget, which makes it ok for me to do! So I'll see how I go.

Craig had a moment halfway through the week where he got a bit depressed about uni. It's hard for me to empathise, I've never been to uni, and it seems like too much hard work, to me. He wants to drop one of his subjects, he says a drop out is better than a fail. I dunno, I don't like either, really. I guess I'll just support him in doing whatever he chooses, since I can't really make a value judgment.

He said "I want to run away with you somewhere". God, am I ever tempted! He'd probably be open to pissing off to Europe right about now, or at least not coming home from our Christmas trip. I wish! I'd love to put house-hunting in Edinburgh on the itinerary. Well, I guess I'll observe him during the holiday, gauge just how much he misses home, struggles with the language, etc. I certainly can't take a bit of mid week blues as an indication of what he wants to do overall. I also think it had to do with something due today as well. Better to drop out Wednesday than miss a Friday deadline? Dunno.

David has moved house, he stayed there last night for the first time. No more sleeping on our lounge floor. I'll miss having him around, although we actually do have a housemate Dan is never home and it was good to have someone else in the house I could veg with. I swear I get cabin-fever too quickly with Craig sometimes.

No real plans for this weekend - my brother and his wife and family will be in town, I'll probably end up catching up with them and going to the zoo or something, which could be fun. Could be a good time to test out the new camera! The two older kids will be complete showoffs, I can already see it. No matter, it's all good practice. Wonder if I can come up with a theme/storyline, rather than just following them around and having them pull faces at the camera. I'll have a think about it. I'm sure that no matter what I do, mum will love a DVD of the grandkids at the zoo, so I can't really lose.

I have to sign up at a place called "Media Resource Centre". It means I get cheaper access to video lights, editing suites, etc, as well as other people interested in film making. Could be fun. I get one free consultation when I join up, I'd best write a huge list of questions to be answered. There are lots of things I don't know, like how best to record the sound, lighting tips, home-made steadycam tips, etc. Lots of things, since it's free I might as well get the most out of it. And I want to buy some accessories for my new toy, like batteries. There's even a sports case, where you can go up to 2 metres underwater. Don't think it'd ever get used to that extreme, but that could be a good safety measure for when I'm snowboarding over Christmas. I'd quite happily strap it to the front of me knowing it wouldn't get saturated when I fall (and I will) into the snow.

Anyway, that's enough from me, I'm due at the chiropractor in an hour or so and I still have work to do.

Oh, the party...

went pretty well. I turned up late, gotta love delayed flights. Knackered as, basically. Got home to the surprise party, to see something that wasn't that much of a surprise, all the deaf people on the couches signing at each other, and all the hearing people in the kitchen drinking and talking at each other. Even those who can do both were still sitting with their respective groups.

Wasn't too bad though, birthday girl enjoyed herself, and when half the people had left, took most of the rest out to a few pubs to continue getting bevvied up.

Was good to see some of my deaf friends again, too.

We all unanimously decided that Craig was a lousy host. No softdrink on hand, everything disorganised. I take days off of work to organise my parties, he must think it comes naturally. I think he needs to watch closer next time I have one of my soirees.

I ended up paying about $50 for everyone's pizza. Turns out no one wanted to chip in. Deaf people are notoriously tight, it seems.

Oh well, the birthday girl had fun, and that's all that matters. :)

Port Lincoln

Here I am in Port Lincoln for the weekend. The long weekend - it's Monday and I'm going home in a couple of hours. It's been reasonably enjoyable, at least this visit I haven't been strapped for things to do; it's been busy since I got here on Saturday afternoon.

I got to see my new niece, she's a couple of months old now, I think. I've never been good with ages :p She's gorgeous though. As is her older sister, who is now about 16 months (or something). She's up running around, jumping off things, and generally being adorable all round, really.

I also got to see some other relatives whom I love dearly, as well as Dad's cousin Ian, who was my childhood hero. Probably has something to do with him always blowing things up or setting fire to things. He's still able to produce fireworks for the kids out of his car, so he hasn't changed a bit. He's got three kids of his own now, which is a bit different, but he's still pretty much a big kid himself. Great fun.

Managed to find some time to spend it with mum down at the beach side cafe, sipping coffees and enjoying the food. I am a bit of a mummy's boy, after all, so it was good to spend time with her. Dad spent the day playing golf, and we drove up with my brother and his wife (and four kids) to a nearby coastal town (half an hour away) so I could take photos of a motel that is for sale there. My boyfriend's parents are interested, but they don't know the area, so I wanted to give them a better idea.

Well, time to pack and head back, I think. I have a friend's 22nd birthday party at my place tonight; it's a surprise get-together, basically. Hopefully all organised, since I'm turning up at home the same time as the birthday girl.. lol

Talk soon :)

Personalities

Thoughts on our opinions and personalities

Personalities are interesting things. I was having a fantastic discussion with a good friend of mine last night. At times we were getting so frustrated at the lack of tolerance in the world. We had quite different upbringings, yet we both have the same views on a lot of things. Such as why the hell we're so hung up on race, colour, creed, or sexuality. I mean, why? Why does the colour of our skin change who we are? Why does a cosmetic change of skin alter people's beliefs about you? And do we really care who sleeps with who? Why does my choice of partner affect who I am as a person? I'm still me, regardless of who my partner is. Take that partner away, it doesn't change me as a person.

Far too many people have adopted the opinions of their parents, or of their friends around them. Chances are, too, that the opinions of their friends around them is only that of their friend's parents, anyway. I mean, this is logical. Until you've actually met a "gay person", or a "black person", why would have you had a chance to formulate your own *real* opinion of them? So you might as well just inherit your opinion.

It just annoys me when I see these people, with no *real* opinions of their own, using those same opinions as a basis for hatred. As a gay man, I see a lot of it. Most of the time it doesn't really bother me, I decided long ago to accept humanity, warts and all. If humanity at large wants to be bigoted, well, so be it. But when it affects me personally, that's when I get angry. Some of these people are so blind! They just can't see reason. They can't step out of their opinion for a moment, and look at it from another point of view. They won't even entertain the fact that their opinion might not really be based on anything valid. If they've had a bad experience with a black person, so be it. If they've had a gay man be really inappropriate towards them, so be it. But unless they've got something to back up their opinion, they don't have a damn right to have such hatred. "I hate poofs." Well, honey, how many poofs do you actually know? Sheesh.

But back to personalities. My friend and I were wondering, just how it was that we think like this. Without entering the debate of nature vs nurture, we can generalise and say we get a lot of our morals from our parents, whether it be genetically or environmentally. But my parents have strong views on things that they don't really understand. They've certainly had trouble accepting my sexuality in the past. The unknown frightens them, and I guess that's how bigotry and discrimination arises. If you spend time with black people (for instance), you realise they're just the same as everyone else. Likewise with gay people. I remember chatting to a previous boss about some money issues I was having with my boyfriend. My boss remarked to me "gee, you seem to have the same issues we do". By "you" he meant "gay people", and by "we" he meant "straight people". And he was genuinely surprised. And he most certainly didn't discriminate against me on the basis of my sexuality, he knew right from the outset and had never had issues with it. But still, from not really having known any gay couples, he hadn't *had* to think about if they're much the same as any straight couple.

My conclusion? If we don't have a personal experience with something, we're bound to adopt the opinions of our parents, or those around us. But I think we close our mind to too many things if we *fight* to keep those opinions. As a great mentor to me once said, "Fight for your limitations, and they're yours."

Civil Liberties

Ideas on Iraq and civil rights at home

Last night at dinner with the in-laws (my boyfriend's mother's 50th birthday dinner, actually) we all got onto the debate of Iraq, and America's actions and attitudes. Great conversation ensured. As a family, we never talked like that. No one ever really had an opinion at the dinner table; we sat, we ate, we got up, we went our separate ways. Dinner was just a functional thing, not an intellectual thing.

Which is why I love dinner with the in-laws.

So last night it was his dad saying (about his brother and myself) that we're just America haters, we'd hate anything America chooses to do, we could find fault with anything they'd do. It's not that, although America does give us plenty of material to whinge about.

I believe the crux of what we were arguing about, was civil liberties. I'm a great believer in the analogy that countries are people, with all the associated issues. We, as individuals, have a right to privacy. We have a right to access to a lawyer when accused of a crime. And the police can't come into our house (at least in Australia) without first obtaining a search warrant from a magistrate. And there has to be a good explanation given by the police to the magistrate to get that warrant.

Lets take my countries = people analogy. US = police. Iraq = citizen. UN = magistrate. In this instance, the UN did give the warrant, infact they helped look. But they didn't find anything. The police, without any evidence, ignored the advice of the magistrate, and barged into the house, not only violating the civil liberties of the residents, but also trying to assassinate the head of the house, and then change the way the house runs.

Obviously there are differences, but it's basically the same thing. Iraq was judged guilty by the people who don't have the right to judge them guilty. We have the UN for that. But now with the US doing what they damn well please, it's much the same as a crime syndicate doing what it wants because the police are powerless to stop them. And who wants to piss off crime syndicates? No one.

Now, I'm mostly being a devil's advocate here. I believe that yes, there probably were WMD in Iraq, and that Saddam Hussein is a bad person, used murder to get his own way, maltreated his people, etc etc. And yes, I think Iraq probably would be a nicer place with a democracy.

But we have international laws for a reason. For the same reason it's illegal for the police to enter your house without a warrant. Sometimes the criminals will get away with the crime. Sometimes they'll get away with murder. But the second we take away the common person's right to privacy, and security within their own home, and give that right to the police to enter their home, then we're living in a police state.

Heck, I'd much rather a magistrate made the decision to ransack my house looking for evidence, rather than the average policeman. The average policeman isn't interested in justice, he's interested in answers for the mysteries he's trying to solve. We have magistrates who are appointed to keep our civil liberties.

Here's another analogy, which we also discussed last night.

A common storyline on cop shows and legal shows is the plot where the cops have obtained evidence illegally. We the viewer know the accused is guilty, the cops know it, the judge knows it, even the jury knows it. But because the evidence was obtained illegally, it's inadmissible, and the accused gets away with murder. The average person screams "injust!" and I don't blame them. It pisses me off, too. But as my bf's brother said last night, he'd rather 12 criminals go unpunished, than 1 innocent person incarcerated. Or even executed, in some states of America. And I agree. We have to maintain our civil liberties.

My bf's father lives in a reasonably affluent suburb, and has a good job, two educated healthy sons, and a loving wife. He doesn't do anything wrong. He'll never break the law, and chances are, he'll never be accused of something he hasn't done. He can't *know* what it's like to be falsely accused of something. He'll never live in a country where his way of life is threatened. Iraqi's have a way of life too, and we're threatening it. I asked him "so if Iraq moved into Australia, forced you to worship Allah, pray 5 times a day, cover your wife from head to toe, not eat meat, how would you feel?" He said "if I lived under a government that has been guilty of genocide, and the new regime promised to do things fairly, I'd be standing at the wharves, waving them in, welcoming their way of life." Besides thinking that's bullshit, I then pointed out that the Australian government *had* been guilty of genocide with the Australian Aboriginals, and he went rather quiet at that point. Still, I think it's remarkably easy for him to make those kind of value calls from the safety of his dining table, knowing that Australia is "friends" with the biggest bully in the school yard with the biggest fists.

The US judged Iraq without due process, and found them guilty, having ignored the independent arbiter in the process. To me, that's illegal. And we lose a culture along with it. The middle east has supported life (whether or not we personally agree with that way of life) for thousands of years. America is a baby, compared to them, what gives the US the right to march in and shove a democracy down their throat? Japan had functioned for over 500 years without a civil war, before America decided it needed to industrialise them. America started with a religious argument, then committed genocide with the American Indians, had a civil war to get it's own independence, and now is taking away the independence of a different country, under the guise of "giving them their independence".

Is anyone else worried that America has troops in many many MANY countries throughout the world now? If you think "no", ask yourself would you be worried if they were all German troops stationed all throughout the world, and Germany had access to so many weapons of mass destruction. I think you'd sleep a little less easy.

I see the US like a TV evangelist. They think they're right. They think they have the only solution. They think everyone would benefit from seeing things their way. People who think differently are going to hell. Their life's mission is to convert everyone to their way of thinking, and they can't fathom how someone might like to live a little differently.

Personally, I don't agree with Saddam Hussein's politics, and murder doesn't sit right with me. Neither do nuclear weapons of any sort. But what sits even less right with me, is blindly treating everyone that doesn't think the same as you, as a criminal that needs to be "fixed".

Australia is one of the most diverse countries in the world, we are made up of so many different cultures. Unfortunately my bf's father doesn't see that as a good thing. I think we should embrace diversity, and enjoy our differences, and see everyone as equal. And admitting that even if you don't understand someone, a culture, a race, a country, you accept them anyway. We're all equal!

Moving On

Thoughts on loving ex boyfriends

Once you break up, is it better to move on completely? How do you turn intense love, into indifference? Often that can occur when the split up is nasty. Intense love turns to intense hate, in an instant.

But what if you still have intense love for someone, and they dump you, how do you deal with that? People tell you to "move on", and sure, you can find someone else. And sure, you can love that person with just as much intensity.

But what about the ex? Do you begin to not care for them?

Once I love someone, I can't really undo that.

I don't love all my exes with the same intensity, though. There are two that I still love dearly. I guess it can be put down to whether I'd date them again. These two, I would.

But I'm currently attached. To someone I love.

You know, if we lived in a more open minded world, I'd be quite happy dating all three. Call me a bigamist if you will, or polygamist, actually. But I have love for these people, I care about what happens to them, and about their happiness.

I've been chatting to one of my exes today. It's like we stuffed it up when we had a go at it, and we've both changed. Given other circumstances, we'd probably give it another go. I guess the "other circumstances" is if I was single. Well, that also depends on my ex, and whether they'd actually give it another go, too. I know I would.

Am I wrong for thinking about it, whilst I'm attached? Should I deny love I have for others, when I'm with someone? I'd prefer not to.

Of course, I don't blab about them all the time. Or blog about them all the time. I guess in an ideal world I'd be able to show (and prove) my love & affection for those that love me back.

Until jealousy rears it's ugly head.. It's easy to be a hypocrite in these situations.

What are we?

Thoughts on our atomic composition and our position in the world

We're just atoms, right? What's a rock? Atoms. What's my laptop? Atoms. Where did I come from? Well, apart from that book having the answer, it's established that we're not sure. Where did my laptop come from? Well, it's component parts, I suppose. Out of the ground. Where did my ancestors go? Into the ground. Are my ancestors part of my laptop? Quite possibly.

Consider us humans, and consider a rock. What's the difference? Not much. We have component atoms. We just have moving parts. Ok, perhaps we have more in common with plants. What's the difference? We have legs, they do not. We have intelligence; they, arguably, don't. With our intelligence we've crafted clothes to wrap our bodies in, tools with which to make it easier to get food. But we're still basically the same thing, component atoms. When we both die, we both get absorbed back into the earth, back to join the large pool of atoms that don't currently make up humans, or plants, or other "living" creatures.

Apart from the odd meteorite hitting earth, or the satellites we fling into outer space, we're not growing or anything. We basically keep the same amount of atoms, we can't "create" any, right? So the greater we populate the earth, the more of this pool of atoms we take up, right?

So the earth is just this big hulk of atoms, some rising from the earth to be part of humans or to rise from the earth to be plants, to be consumed my humans, to become part of humans, and then to be released back in to the earth at a later stage, possibly to become another plant, a rock, or a mineral only to end up in someone's laptop.

To me that's remarkably visual.. this ever changing ever morphing lump of earth, popping out "creatures" on it's surface, only to take them back in later.

Fascinating.