Probably Die Trying...

Has it always been so?

2009-10-14T10:57:00.000Z

I'm a little disappointed. Perhaps at the world, perhaps at the people around me. Perhaps in the past I've been so used to surrounding myself with decent people and now I'm finally noticing that I've been beginning to let my standards slip.

But since when has it been ok to replace a simple "thanks, but no thanks" with complete silence? What happened to manners? How is that adults cannot bring themselves to open their mouth and have a conversation with someone, even if that conversation might perhaps be a little awkward?

How is that two people can share intimate moments with each other, and then one of them simply ignore the other person, or ignore what happened?

What's wrong with a simple "thanks, but no thanks"? How is that we've turned into such cold bastards that our own self-preservation of avoiding a possibly awkward conversation takes precedence over thinking about the other person for even a moment?

It's disappointing. People can be so selfish.

Horoscope for May

2009-05-01T13:57:00.002Z

Free now from the family burden, you are none the less feeling overwhelmed. It could be work or academia, which will be particularly taxing for Aquarians this month. Projects pile up, and authority figures can be unreasonably demanding. Don't let them intimidate you. You are a highly capable individual who will get the work done as quickly as a human can. Will there be any leftover time for your personal life? Absolutely not. Your romance may also suffer. I can only advise you to remove your heart from your sleeve and tuck it into your breast pocket. Let it rest. While it's in repose, take an inventory of the space inside that heart, and record the order of the occupants. With so many lovers and so little time to give to each of them, this might be a good time to downsize. Are you nurturing any old flames? Perhaps it's time to put those people to rest as well. Maybe you are still committing time to friendships that have lost their meaning as well. Now is the time to withdraw a bit. Lower other people's expectations of you so you can choose more intelligently to whom it is exactly you want to offer your time and affection. Be ruthless eliminating dead wood so you can be more devoted to those who really count. You will see. You'll feel stronger emotionally, and your relationships will be substantially more solid.

The Chance to Sing...

2009-04-26T15:56:00.000Z

We're like birds
who are perched
on the limbs
of a tree.
When the time is right
we simply fly away.
Then other birds come
and take our places.
But they
won't stay.
We come, we go
it was always so
and so
it will always be.
We're like a flock of birds
moving endlessly.
But listen to me
I want you to know
the most important thing.
Before the time
when we must fly away
we have the chance to sing.
Don't miss the chance to sing.

RIP Bea Arthur.

(Spotify link: Bea Arthur – The Chance To Sing)

Dilemma

2009-04-09T19:06:00.000Z

I'm finding that finding a flat in Aberdeen is turning out to be harder than I thought. For a number of reasons. Firstly, I'm working in Dyce. The only reason I moved to Aberdeen was for this job, so I figure I might as well get a flat that's handy to Dyce; on the bus route, the train route, or within walking distance. That limits my choices right there.

Secondly, and I hate very much to admit it, is the cats. Trying to find a flat, with the above criteria, that also have ground-floor access, preferably main-door, and even more preferably a cat-flap, is next to impossible.

I've also not had a permanent wage in the UK before, so I don't really have much of an idea of how much budget I've got. Some of the places I've found are either far too small, too far away, or too expensive.

I'm staying in a house owned by the company at the moment. It's quite nice, and 10 minutes walk to work. I don't have to leave - if I want to stay on beyond perhaps the first month all I have to pay is £350 a month, which includes all utility bills, internet, etc. Sure, I'd either have a fairly small room and my gear would probably have to remain in boxes, or I could ask for one of the larger rooms and possibly store some of my stuff in there, get some books out, get the PC out, things like that.

The trouble is, the company house won't allow me to have the cats here. They're in a fairly expensive cattery a couple of miles away. They're there temporarily whilst I find (or not find, it seems) a flat of mine.

Or I could find a flat in the centre of town, above the ground, which are more plentiful than flats that have ground access. Most of them don't allow pets, and I don't want another flat where I can't let the cats out anyway.

So...

Maybe I should re-home Fergus & Portia :(

Interviews, interviews and more bloody interviews...

2009-03-13T03:35:00.000Z

Job hunting is so much harder when you don't have a job. There's a desperation about the whole process, and something at the back of your mind telling you to take the first offer, even if it's not the best job you're going for.

I'm finding the whole process so much more frustrating this time around. Normally I go for one contract, interview, get it, and take it. Now I'm having to really work hard at getting interviews, and I've already been turned down at one interview. Yes, I've had a few more interviews since then (three so far, another two maybe four next week), but the process is still quite frustrating.

None of these jobs are contracts - well, a couple are but none of the interviews so far. So yeah, that's the first frustrating thing. Secondly, with the "financial crisis" or "credit crunch" or just this damn recession, companies aren't hiring, which is making the recruiters get all bloody antsy. They're being secretive about company names, they hate when you go for an interview through another recruiter; they ask you ever so subtly but still with a trace of a jealous partner "so who's that through?" I just don't want any part of their games - I've taken to answering "not sure, can't keep track" each time I suspect inter-recruiter jealousy. Which is, oh, every second I'm actually on the phone with a recruiter. And I'm on the phone all day every day with these guys.

So yeah, apart from the interview back with bigmouthmedia (subject of a previous blog), I interviewed with a company up in Aberdeen on Wednesday this week, came back down to Edinburgh for an interview in Dunfermline on Thursday morning, and another in Livingston on Thursday afternoon. I have another interview on Monday, another one on Wednesday (Edinburgh and Livingston, respectively), and then probably another two in Aberdeen hopefully both on Tuesday.

So far, I think the first Aberdeen job is winning. Yes, it's in Aberdeen, but I think the job offers many more possibilities, which I can't be bothered going into right now. I just figure if I'm going to take the step from contracting into permanency, then I'd better be sure I'm going to enjoy the job. The Dunfermline job is coming second I think - they're doing some interesting work, including a business idea I had myself about ten years ago that I never put into action, so at least it's something I'd be passionate about.

So here I am, considering the possibility of a move to Aberdeen, for a permanent job. I had been quite apprehensive about it, but I think I'm actually warming to the idea. I've been in Edinburgh for just over two and a half years; I always maintain I like moving and trying out new cities, cultures, so why not a move to Aberdeen? I know a couple of people up there, in fact Pad was kind enough to catch up with me after my interview on Wednesday and we had a good chat, talked about the city, that kind of thing. Was good to see him again and I'd certainly like to see more of him, something I don't really get to do much down here in Edinburgh.

The more I think about it, the less apprehensive I am. I think. I hadn't really looked forward to leaving Edinburgh, but the more I think about the possibility of a new city, it's just that - the new possibilities. I'll miss my friends down here, but they'll only be two hours away, as will my friends in Glasgow. And well, who couldn't do with a fresh start every so often, eh? In a way this town is infused with the memories of a recent ex; a little space might do the both of us good.

But who knows - it's just one interview in Aberdeen thus far, and no distinct feedback from the company. From any of the three companies - they may well go the way of bigmouthmedia and pass me over for someone a little less.. complex. I'm hoping that something eventuates from the five/maybe seven interviews over these two weeks. Whether I'm here, Glasgow, or Aberdeen, it's got to be better than returning to Australia with my tail between my legs.

Would I move to Aberdeen? I think I would, yes. A new start and a fresh city with no memories (good nor bad) would definitely have to be thrown in as perks of the new job.

Uncertain times

2009-01-29T19:15:00.019Z

I was turned down for a job today - I had the interview nearly two weeks ago, and waited in anticipation only to find out they didn't think it was a good match. It sounded like the end of a relationship, frankly. Whilst they admired my skills, they didn't think they could offer me the best place to use them (it's not you, it's me). Unlike the end of a relationship, they don't particularly owe it to me to give it to me straight, but I would have preferred a bit more specific feedback (it's not me, it's you).

So I'm back into the unknown - where will I work, live and play? Will I find a job in Edinburgh, or Glasgow, or indeed even in Scotland? There are a lot more jobs going down in London, that pay better, but I don't want to live down there again, and it's also harder to interview for a job down there. Will I take a permanent position, my first in ten years, or will I remain contracting? Will another contract job just frustrate me? Will I again in a few months time find myself leaving, saying I didn't want to work somewhere where my best wasn't wanted?

And so in these so-called uncertain times, I find myself fully immersed in uncertainty. (Relatively) newly single, not knowing where I'll live, with whom I'll live, or indeed whether I'll find work fast enough to stop me having to move back to Australia.

Not the best of times!

Inspiration...

2008-09-26T18:22:00.001Z

... I don't have any.

I look at my Flickr photostream and apart from some photos recording the introduction of my new kitten into the household, and a couple of photos from a gig I went to back in August, I don't seem to have taken photos for pleasure for quite some time.

Maybe it's becoming single again recently, perhaps it's the British weather. I was down in Manchester recently, camera with me, waiting for something to want to be photographed, but I couldn't find anything. Nothing inspired me; the weather was bleak, the people boring and well, I was boring too.

Maybe I should take part in the weekly assignments over at the Digital Photography School forums. I've never really picked up my camera and forced myself to take a photo though - it's always just come to me. I carry my camera everywhere, waiting for those incidental moments that I love to capture.

I'm just despairing that I haven't seen any of those moments for quite some time...

Presences

2008-09-22T21:59:00.000Z

This I would say: love life

for what is always beyond you,

the perfume of a girl who has gone

just as you entered the room,

the ripple on the bright pool

of the fish already steadily swimming

elsewhere, the cat’s foot-fall

on the purring carpet, the smile

on the face that is turned ever so slightly

away from you, no insult intended,

so that you are never quite sure

whether what you saw

ever really happened

(girl, fish, cat, smile)

until the very last

when you know

and the pencil falls

blunted

Bruce Dawe

First Corinthians at the Crossroads

2008-09-22T21:50:00.001Z

When I was a blonde I

walked as a blonde I

talked as a blonde;

but now that I have become

a brunette I have put away my

blonding lotion, farewell Kim Novak

and the statuesque Nordic

me: a touching scene truly…

We lingered like old lovers

who cannot quite believe

the evidence of their eyes.

‘It is all over, honey-bun, alas,’ said disconsolate

eyebrows being terribly

brave.

‘Toujours, tourjours,’ sang lips that had

tasted their last Tango, while

onward onward into an everlasting

brunette dusk we moved to confront,

with the new dawn’s rising

over a wasteland of depilatory and

Beauty-Mask, O

brave new world…

Bruce Dawe

Relief at last...

2008-09-03T07:54:00.001Z

Well, the waiting is finally over. Yesterday I got a call from the Home Office. They'd received my fax where I was asking for a speedy processing of my visa application so I could get my passport back in time for a trip aboard. The guy says to me "I've got your fax here, but we processed and sent your passports yesterday." I didn't know whether to be excited by the passports being sent back, or to ask him "have you seen the date on the fax you idiot?" but I composed myself and thanked him.

Strangely, it was almost an afterthought (or perhaps subconsciously I was frightened) to ask whether the visa had actually been granted or not. And so, after coming to and from the UK for nearly nine years, I got the answer I'd been waiting for: I now have Indefinite Leave to Remain (ILR) in the UK.

Next step: British citizenship, think it's either two or three years from now.

What a relief.

New country to visit, but...

2008-08-13T16:41:00.003Z

I should be excited - I have a new country to visit in September. It's a secret as the person I'm taking doesn't know the itinerary yet, so I won't reveal it here. It's somewhere I've always wanted to go, and the trip should be great; planes, trains, all sorts. The trip is for two weeks, it's going to be the first real break I've had since completing the Rickshaw Run in January.

However, I'm currently without my passport. I sent it off to the UK Border Agency nearly four weeks ago. Ack! I need it back, I've already had to cancel a weekend trip to Norway a couple of weeks ago. It's with them to get my settlement visa (now that's been a long time coming), I never expected to have to send the passport away, I had thought I could walk into their Glasgow office and walk back out again, but alas no.

They say that 70% of the applications are back within 20 working days - today is 17 working days. I'm supposed to fly out after 34 working days - halfway there. Will it be back? Who knows?!

The other thing I'm trying not to think about, is that when my passport comes back I might not even be granted the visa. That's a prospect too scary to even begin to imagine...

Xmas in Glasgow

2007-12-17T20:30:00.000Z

Just spent a lovely afternoon/evening at Graham and Eamonn's house in Glasgow.

Glasgow Tapas

2007-12-05T23:41:00.000Z

Had a great night tonight - took a few friends across to Glasgow to catch up with Katrina. We ended up at La Tasca, a great Spanish restaurant with great tapas, great sangria, and very nice desserts.

The mob on the way over was Fiona, Lindsey, Dylan, George and myself. We ended up meeting up with Lindsey's other half Gordon after dinner for a quick drink. He's a nice guy - was good to meet him.

Not much else to say other than it was a great night - I'm very happy with my life here in Edinburgh.

More travelling...

2007-10-01T14:47:00.000Z

Well, I've done some more travelling - this time to Iceland. I've been before but was quite looking forward to visiting again, since the date for the last visit was probably 2000, 2001 at the latest. I had fond memories of wandering around the town, as well as an early evening visit to the Blue Lagoon - two things I was keen to repeat.

This trip was Thursday lunchtime to Sunday morning - a really good length of time, leaving us plenty of opportunities to see galleries, eat well, do lots of walking, as well as hiring a car on the Saturday for a wonderful day of driving and visiting other things I hadn't been able to see on my previous visit.

Reykjavík is a great little city. This time I felt a bit closer to the city, I was doing more walking around and began to be able to take shortcuts through lanes, recognise street names, and even in one instance give directions to a cafe I had not yet even been to.

Highlights of the city section of the trip include the Culture House where there was two fantastic exhibits - one on the creation of a nearby volcanic island over the last 50 years and it's resulting ecology, the other on the Icelandic Sagas - including original documents and books! Most amazing.

We also found a great little coffee shop, an amazing vegetarian place for dinner and a very cute organic cafe where we spotted the lead singer of Sigur Rós. We also hung out at Sirkus which is Björk's local bar, but she was on tour. Still a fun place though.

Saturday saw us driving out to the Geysir area - the Great Geysir not particularly active anymore nowadays, but we got to witness it's little brother "Strokkur" shoot off a few times. I was informed that apparently seven tourists a week scald themselves when they unbelievingly test the water to see if it is actually hot. Idiots.

Next stop after Geysir was Gullfoss, a pair of waterfalls further out. Great stuff - although freezing cold out there. Quite a popular destination, there were many people out on the rocks overlooking the waterfalls. I'm amazed sometimes by the safety at these attractions - in Australia you'd be fenced back 100m from the edge by huge wire fences, just for your own safety. Here you're free to plunge down the crevass if you wish. Bless.

The drive then took us to the famous Blue Lagoon where we hopped in the pool, ignoring the light rain pattering onto our faces. And again, I loved it. So relaxing and interesting and well, just something I want to experience more regularly.

I'd like a "yearly holiday destination", the creation of a nice routine where I can say "oh, I go every year". Sure - there's the skiing trips, but I'd like somewhere different as well.

Next trip for me? A weekend in Munich to catch up with Dylan. Looking forward to it! :)

There are more Iceland pictures on my Flickr pages.

Doors Open Day: Glasgow

2007-09-17T10:30:00.000Z

This weekend just gone saw the annual Doors Open Day in Glasgow, I was lucky enough to be in town so I was quite excited about wandering around the city and poking my nose in places where it wouldn't normally go.

Doors Open Day is an opportunity for buildings that are not normally open to the public, to open their doors and show people around. I believe the concept started in Glasgow and has now spread to quite a number of cities. Basically it's a great opportunity to snoop around some very fancy buildings, plus if you get a good guide you can really find out some interesting history.

I finished my cello lesson with my friend David, and together we decided to take a wander into town via any open building on the way. First stop was a pair of churches in Dennistoun, basically back to back on the same block that have recently amalgamated - a month of worship in one church, then the next month in the other, and so on. They're getting architects in to determine which is the most viable church to move permanently into.

I quite like both churches but fell in love with the Gothic ceiling in the second, so that one gets my vote. In the second church we also had the services of a quite camp tour guide, who even allowed us to climb inside the workings of the pipe organ, and showed us a particularly interesting ladder up into the roof-space. He gave us a fascinating history of the building and of the parishes in the region. We probably spent longer there than we had originally planned, but he was quite animated and good for a laugh.

We then wandered further into town, stopping at the Lodging House Mission. It wasn't a scheduled stop but it was open so we wandered in. We were then treated to about 10 minutes of preaching about what they do, who they help, what services they provide. I guess Doors Open Day is a great way for the public to see inside the buildings, I guess we shouldn't begrudge the regular inhabitants the chance to tell people about their organisations as well as the building. It wasn't as pretty as the other churches we'd seen, but interesting nonetheless. It followed the same style, with a gallery on the second floor, but in this case it had been closed over and basically the whole church moved upstairs, with the downstairs converted (no pun intended) to the mission.

A stop for lunch, whereupon David's partner Kenny joined us. We wandered further into town, and stopped at the Britannia Panopticon, apparently Britain's only surviving music/theatre hall. I think "surviving" is quite an optimistic way of looking at it, as it was quite run-down, it's certainly not in use. There were some jolly people there singing and carrying on as if it was the old days, and you could certainly feel the atmosphere in the building. Downstairs is an arcade, apparently raising money for the renovations for the hall above, which I think is a great idea.

Second-to-last stop for the day was the "Greek Thompson Church", a wonderful church designed by the architect Alexander Thompson. The colour of the interior style reminded me of Australian parliament buildings, especially with the curved pew-layouts. But I loved the decor! His colour and style is very loving and very ornate, it's a very beautiful building to be inside. Apparently there were three churches by Thompson in Glasgow; one burned down and another was bombed, so this is the last. We were treated to a brief yet interesting history of the building, it's current owners, and the issues they're facing during the renovations of the building.

The renovations needed were quite visible - there was paint peeling from the ceiling, and plenty of buckets on the floor to catch the tripping from the leaky roof. With a bit of TLC this building will certainly be amazing. Joining us at this point was one of David's friends who also took delight in building.

Last stop for the day was the Royal College of Surgeons & Physicians where photography unfortunately wasn't allowed. Still, we enjoyed looking around their building which is actually three manor houses joined together to produce the one hall. Wonderful interior design, and a couple of fascinating libraries in that old style with a mezzanine layer accessed by a beautiful wrought-iron spiral staircase. Just before we left we were treated to some amusing anecdotes by a guy in the Livingstone Room at the hall, who had some funny things to say about Dr Livingstone.

We then wandered down to the CCA for a drink and the day was done. I was tempted to head back to Glasgow for the Sunday to see some other buildings but it never eventuated. Maybe next year!

You can see more photos of the buildings we visited on my flickr pages.

Rickshaw Run place

2007-09-05T12:36:00.000Z

Oh my god! Fi and I have gotten a place on the Rickshaw Run, Winter '08!!

We'd all but given up due to the demand, there's only 50 places, but now we've got one! Well, if Fi can get the time off from work.

What is the Rickshaw Run, I hear you ask? Well it's a madcap trek, using a motorised 150cc rickshaw, starting in Kochi (southern India), all the way through to Kathmandu in Nepal. Suggested routes vary from 1944 miles, to a whopping 2569 miles.

We're nuts, absolutely nuts. There's no support at all. Just a cricket match and then the keys to your rickshaw, a quick wave and a "righto chaps, see you in Kathmandu".

More details to come, and yes this is a charity event so those of you reading this, we will BLEED YOU DRY for sponsorship!

Stay tuned! Very exciting.

Pentlands Walk

2007-08-29T11:46:00.002Z

Joelle, Matt, Lindsey and I went for a stroll through the Pentlands - the usual starting and finishing places for me, catching the bus to Balerno, and home again from Penicuik. It's the inbetween that usually changes for me - sometimes I'll walk all the peaks, sometimes half, or sometimes just sticking to the flat. This time we just stuck to the flat, as I had guests who weren't that used to long walks.

I was pleasantly surprised to have them come with me; Matt & Joelle were only in Edinburgh for the weekend, and it was great to have them put 4 hours aside for a walk through the Pentlands - I hope they think it was worth it. I love the walk, and do it as many weekends as I can, but I realise not everyone is as crazy as I am.

The weather was glorious for the walk - we stopped for a snack lunch down near Threipmuir Reservoir, chatting away all the while. Joelle was taken by all the purple heather, whilst Matt was taking all the pictures! Be sure to check out his website at some point as I'm sure he'll have much better photos than I on there :)

Lindsey and Matt saw their first highland cows - due to the nature of the walking around the Pentlands we ended up in the paddock right next to two of them, which was great as it was the closest I've ever been too.

Due to public transport being a pain from Flotterstone (the usual start/end for people walking the Pentlands) we had to walk through to Penicuik, which I don't mind as even though it's not through the hills, it's down some lovely country roads.

We ended up home with about 15 minutes before we had to leave to go see a show at the Fringe - all quite happily exhausted, and very pleased at having spent 4 hours in the very beautiful Pentlands.

Fringe Review: The Ballad

2007-08-28T12:06:00.000Z

The Ballad was one of the only shows I saw during the Festival that I didn't pick - maybe that's better as when it's someone else's choice, and it's bad, you have someone else to blame.

In this instance however, I have someone else to thank profusely; this show was incredible. Billed as a love story without words, the story instead is carried along by mime, dance, and aerial dance. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, girl and boy shag, have a baby, girl dies giving birth. Very 90s. This story starts a little cheesy, but then again it's a great starting point for the direction this piece takes you.

Of course you've read all my other reviews, therefore you'd know I'm a huge supporter of any show that encourages the active suspension of disbelief. The dancing in this show is very freeform and contemporary, it's lovely, but I found myself breathless with the aerial work - it was very easy to ignore the harness on the girl and just appreciate the extra dimension the choreographer has opened up by enabling the girl to be flown. It's simply beautiful, and magical. It looked so effortless, and certainly enhanced the already magical feeling of the piece.

The show is predictable in places, tacky in others, but I found it wasn't too much of either - this is probably the tackiest show I've seen in a while (aside of Eurobeat but that's another story), and as much as I am loathe to admit; it's perfect tack. It's presented in such a beautiful way that it seems completely appropriate.

The Ballad has some darker moments, aided along by the beautiful score played by the composer herself, seated at the front right of the stage at her piano. Looking very Tori Amos-like, she plays along with the action, beautifully complimenting the dancers with appropriate music and impeccable timing. From time to time she utters deeply haunting vocals - a couple times at improbable moments, but her vocals at the end leave you disquieted - the perfect ending for a wonderful piece of theatre.

The Ballad played at Zoo Southside.

Fringe Review: The Last Five Years

2007-08-23T09:55:00.000Z

The Last Five Years tells the tale of the five year relationship between Cathy and Jamie, with an interesting twist - Cathy's tale goes backwards, whereas Jamie's tale goes forwards. They progress through dating, co-habitating, getting married, and then the breakdown of the marriage. In the show Jamie gets increasingly bitter and ends up leaving Cathy, whereas Cathy starts from her breakdown and goes right through to being hopeful for their future together (which we already know is doomed).

It's a great format, and offers many opportunities for clever staging - the two actors only really share the same "time" right in the middle of the show, when they get married. Well, Jamie gets married, Cathy gets "unmarried".

Unfortunately director Russell Hope has missed quite a few of these opportunities to take the strange format of the show and run with it, so to speak, instead dumbing it down slightly, and the actors end up flip-flopping between their own timeline (backwards and forwards respectively), and the timeline of the other actor onstage, thus going from happy to sad to happy all in the space of three songs, it's a bit perturbing. I would wanted Hope to have embraced the idea of the timelines running in opposite direction and made more of it.

Nadim Naaman's Jamie is superb. He comes out on stage looking like a dweeb and you think "oh god, this is a college production" but then he opens his mouth and the awe sets in; Naaman has an incredible voice, perfectly suited for this role. He's likeable onstage, relaxed, friendly, and even when you want to dislike him you still can't help but feel sorry for him.

Hannah Wilding as Cathy is also a great casting, she plays the part perfectly, switching seamlessly between neurotic wife to swooning fan. Jason Robert Brown's script and score doesn't leave much chance for sympathy for the role of Cathy, yet Wilding draws you into her madness and I think you end up understanding her a little more than you normally can if you just listen to the CD.

However. Wilding's voice is not healthy right now. I saw the show on the night of the 22nd, and a review from an earlier performance agrees with me; her voice is suffering. I couldn't be sure if it's due to over-use, not warming up, or more likely; she has a cold. You can see the poor girl suffering as her voice refuses to behave - at times she hit completely wrong notes but had to stick with them, and other times she was quite flat in her upper register, switching to belting when she probably shouldn't, just to get the note out. I really feel for her, it's a terrible time to have your voice give up on you, but such credit to her - she rallies through and performs admirably.

It's a great script and score, and Naaman & Wilding certainly do credit to it. As I said I wish the director had pushed the split timeline idea a lot more, and I also wish I'd seen it on a night where Wilding's voice was up to scratch. I can hear that underneath the scratchyness and flat notes that she does have a great voice, it's a pity I didn't get to hear it.

The Last Five Years plays at the Pleasance Dome (Potterrow for you locals) until August 27.

Fringe Review: Paranoid Park

2007-08-22T15:08:00.000Z

I didn't know what to expect from the film Paranoid Park, except that it was directed by Gus van Sant. I found out after that the screenplay was also written by him, from an original book.

Paranoid Park delves into the lives of teen skaters in Portland, Oregon, following a young skater "Alex" after he is involved in the accidental death of a security guard.

Co-Cinematographer Christopher Doyle was at the showing, introducing the film as "teen art", and then we settled in to watch. And such a beautiful film - it evokes memories of the casual style of Kids, more following the actors around rather than directing the action. All of the actors in Paranoid Park had never been in a film before, and this shows on a couple of the parts, but certainly not the lead "Alex", played wonderfully by Gabe Nevins.

This film doesn't seek to justify the lives of skaters, the accident that occurs, or in my opinion even celebrate the lives of skaters, merely lift the lid a bit and reveal the culture therein. It's such an easy film to watch - just sit back and let the ideas and visions wash over you. It's filmed in a format reminiscent of Super 8 - a square format, with a very early technicolor feel to it, evoking memories of the first family footage on video cameras, which certainly assists in the relaxed manner this film was shot. Christopher Doyle makes fantastic use of light throughout the film, there is a scene in the film where "Alex" showers after the death of the security guard - it's quite a long scene in the scheme of things, but it's utterly entrancing. No, not like that - you only see his head and upper shoulders, the shot is enhanced completely by the sound and light choices, it's fantastic.

One of the things I think they did so well in this film was give the audience time to think for themselves. So many films drag the audience along in the story without stopping for breath. Paranoid Park has so many points where you've really nothing else to do but consider the situation at hand - it's a little uncomfortable to begin with, as audiences are not often asked to get involved like that - but by the end of the film you're thankful for those moments where you're left with beautiful imagery and time for your own thoughts.

It's a brilliant, beautiful film, and it's definitely going in my DVD collection when it's out.

Paranoid Park info at IMDB.com.

Fringe Review: Eurobeat - Amost Eurovision

2007-08-22T14:54:00.001Z

Eurobeat - Almost Good.

Eurovision is certainly an institution to the Europeans, but to a downunder Aussie like me, it's a mystery. I never "got it". I'd see the English go nuts every year, I'd hear Brits talk about it incessantly, about who they'd chosen to represent them, but I could never understand what all the hype was about.

Apparently Eurovision is already a parody of talent. Eurobeat then is a parody of a parody, and to someone uninterested in the original franchise, this show doesn't rise above the fact that it's just tacky. I can understand why the performers in Eurobeat were performing badly, but without that love of Eurovision, this is just a collection of bad songs.

Yes - the performers did well, the dancing is energetic (if a stereotype of already bad dancing), and their voices, yes, are very good. The production values are high - it's a good set, and the pre-show entertainment certainly turn the whole event into a spectacle.

Glynn Nicholas plays one of the Eurovision hosts, seemingly doing the only character I've ever seen him do. Not very inspiring, and cynically I would say he fits into the category of those who have to produce shows to cast themselves in as they're not talented (or versatile) enough to other people to want to cast them. I knew he was involved in the show, but was honestly disappointed to see him on stage. I was unaware of the fame of the other co-host, so the pair were remarkably unfunny to me.

I won't say that this is a terrible show - I'd say it's probably an excellent show for those people who love Eurovision. I'm just not one of those people.

Eurobeat - Almost Eurovision plays at the Pleasance Courtyard (around the side) until August 27.

Fringe Review: Out of the Blue

2007-08-20T10:08:00.001Z

Wow, what a lively show. The boys are constantly moving, living and dancing from within their music. What seems slightly over-exuberant at the start of the show is completely natural by the end of it - these guys love their music so much, it's like you're seeing what they're like when they're alone in their rooms and singing just for the love of it. As I say it's slightly odd at the beginning, but it gets you hooked.

I've heard the music of Out of the Blue for a few years now, but as the group is constantly cycling as people graduate out of university, it's always good to revisit them from year to year.

There are no real suprises in the show, no innovative staging or tricks, just excellent voices and a great selection of songs, some songs only appearing as they're weaved subtly into other songs.

Nothing much else to say really, except that these boys certainly do justice to the already renowned name of their group. Voice highlights include Calum, Will and Joe. I had the pleasure to sit next to Calum's mum, she was a hoot, I can see where Calum gets it from.. [chuckles]

Out of the Blue plays at "C" Venue until August 27th.

Fringe Review: Corpus Christi

2007-08-20T09:47:00.000Z

Ah, Corpus Christi. I first saw this play in Melbourne, probably in 1999. At the time it was causing a lot of controversy - I had to avoid the picketing mob who I assume were Christians, cursing me for going to a play they'd probably never seen or read.

But first, this performance. What a great job - the acting was superb, the ensemble work very tight, and a pleasure to watch. A lot of the simple staging is inherent in the script, but this adaptation seemed to flow so smoothly and subtly behind the ongoing dialog and action. For such a large cast, there were no weak points, it was a pleasure watching all speak and perform their assigned parts.

Corpus Christi flits between a high school in modern-day Texas, and 2007 years ago in Galilee. It makes the obvious (yet controversial) analogy between the treatment of homosexuality in Texas, and the oppression that Jesus would (may?) have received in his time. I believe this is the nature of the Christian's upset at the play - is the playwright Terrance McNally suggesting that Jesus was gay? I don't believe he was, I'm happy to believe in the analogy alone. The audience are even told that it's supposed to be a willing suspension of disbelief. And again, at the end of the play they ask again not to be offended; what we have just seen is simply a version, their version of an ancient and often-told story.

The play takes us through the meeting of the disciples, his miracles, the relationship between himself and Judas, right through to the crucifiction.

I love this play. I'm gay, anti-religious, so this play would seemingly have been written just for people like me. I also love theatre, and I also love scripts that ask the audience to suspend their disbelief. Theatre can be so much more powerful than simply an accurate representation of an event - whilst the audience is suspending disbelief that a piece of furniture which started as bleachers at an American football match, can be turned sideways and become the truck of a cab, whilst the audience is working with the cast members, why not ask for a little more? I love scripts like that.

I love this play, because to me, it's pro-faith. Sure, it challenges the notion of organised religion, much in the same way the Kevin Smith film Dogma does, but (I believe) like Dogma, this script has a very pro-faith message. It creates sympathy and understanding for Jesus and his disciples. It looks again at the nature of the relationship between Jesus and Judas, why was his fate sealed with a kiss? Did Jesus want Judas to betray him? Did Judas know what he was doing? Was he a willing patsy for the cult of Jesus? Corpus Christi doesn't seek to answer any of these questions explicitly, it merely presents the story in a different fashion, giving audience members the chance to consider the questions themselves.

This cast does a stirling job with this. You immediately feel part of the ensemble cast as they are mingling in the foyer before the show starts (I didn't realise that until I saw them onstage later), and start the show in such a casual way that your theatrical defenses are down right from the start. The dialogue flows so effortlessly and is a joy to watch. This show will push all your buttons - if you're a die hard homosexual who hates religion, you'll find yourself strangely sympathetic with Jesus' plight. If you're a Christian it'll challenge you to rethink what you thought you knew about the gospells. If this play doesn't affect you in one way or another, you must be dead.

It's my pick for the Fringe, go see it.

Corpus Christi plays at Bedlam Theatre until August 25th.

Fringe Review: Songs for a New World

2007-08-17T10:23:00.000Z

This was my first time seeing this show presented on stage, and to be honest I hadn't really given the soundrack much of a go before, having been given it about a year ago but only played it once or twice.

Songs for a New World is collection of roughly grouped songs, ostensibly about life in America. Probably why I never bothered listening to it much. What actually got me interested in listening to it again was the composer's new work. Jason Robert Brown's show The Last Five Years is absolutely brilliant, so going back to Songs for a New World I can now recognise his style.

In true Fringe style the staging is simple, yet works perfectly for the style of show. Originally written for two men and two women, director Russell Hope has stretched the songs out to a cast of seven. The ensemble work of this company is great, it's a pleasure to watch the cast work together as you can really feel the warmth between them.

There were two standout performances however, unfortunately I don't know their names, but the song was I'd Give It All For You. I'd noticed I enjoyed watching these two people more than the others, so when they had a song together I was quite expectant, and was not let down. They delivered a number far better and more emotional than the CD ever managed to achieve, I was incredibly touched by the chemistry between them; that moment lingered for me long after the show was over.

Other great numbers include a very funny Just One Step and the similar Surabaya-Santa. The girl singing Stars & The Moon has a great voice, she just needs to belt a bit more to bring out her voice. This version certainly does justice to the music, definitely worth seeing.

Songs for a New World plays at Augustine's (lovely church on George IV), Aug 17-27 (except the 20th).

Fringe Review: Company

2007-08-17T10:15:00.000Z

Director Michael Strassen has trimmed the original show down into a tightly packed show, fit for a Fringe audience. I was disappointed to see some numbers passed over (such as Sorry, Grateful, one of my favourites), but you have to expect that otherwise the show is too long for most Fringe audiences.

The show started damn tight - excellent voices, great harmonies and a good balance of voices. The simple staging suited the transitions between couples nicely, and Antonio Mcardle plays the most laidback and comfortable Robert I've seen in years - a great contrast to the couples around him.

Marisa Leigh Boynton brings new laughter to Getting Married Today that is sure to have you in fits, and Maryanne McCormack does a brilliant emotional rendition of The Ladies Who Lunch.

I found myself wanting more guts to Mcardle's Being Alive as he delivers the song from 'underneath' I'd say, much like his characterisation throughout the rest of the show. I love the song so really wanted a lot more to it. It's probably fair enough that it was delivered emotionally rather than as in a concert, but I still wanted more from it.

Overall it's a great show, with no weak links at all, such a great cast!

Company is playing at the C venue in Chambers St, Aug 17 - 27.

Half-time at the Fringe

2007-08-16T10:54:00.000Z

Well, it's halfway through the Edinburgh Fringe, and I'm exhausted. Amusingly enough I'm not even halfway through the list of shows I'm seeing this year, but nonetheless it's been so busy.

In addition to Fringe-like activities, I have some new friends in Glasgow that I'm very pleased to have met, it feels like I'm now living the lifestyle I came here to have. I've been to and from Glasgow quite a bit over the last few weeks, and I must say I'm quite attached to the city now. It has wonderful architecture, a fabulous necropolis, good shopping, and well, fun people! My first main trip over there was for the Glasgow River festival, which was a lot of fun. The same weekend I met a ton of new friends, and it's been great since then.

Through one of these new friends, I'm now taking cello lessons. I'd always thought I'd self-teach myself the cello when I was 40+, but as circumstance would have it, the opportunity came up and I'm glad I've taken it. New cello sometime in the next week, and I'm set. Lessons have been great, David (the teacher) is a great guy, and yes of course it helps that he's very cute too. I'm looking forward to buying my cello and spending the hours practicing, I've missed having a musical instrument in my life.

The Fringe has been great so far - I've seen Simon Amstell's show (better than last year), and Songs for a New World (great to finally see it on stage). Last night I saw "The Best of Irish Comedy" which had me in absolute fits. Amusingly, the compere was funnier at times compared to a couple of the acts. He performed a short ditty about his "very minor super powers", which had us asking everyone all night to come up with their own minor super powers. Yet to see is a whole variety of stuff - Corpus Christi, a film, some authors in the Book Festival, another musical, and few more comedians, I feel very proud that I've crammed so much in this time around.

Watching Songs for a New World on Tuesday has made me obsess about the soundtrack again, god it's such good music. It's a nice change to change albums (if not composers), since I've been playing The Last Five Years to absolute death since Annie gave it to me back in June. I'm seeing TLFY next Wednesday so I'd best not play the soundtrack too much between now and then, I don't want to go in expecting the CD and get something different.

Even though I'm loving the Fringe, I am, as mentioned, exhausted. I think I'm doing something just about every night of the week. Tonight I have gym, two Fringe events Friday, more friends visiting for the weekend, shows on Saturday night, playing host Sunday, back to work on Monday, closely followed by yet more shows.

I think part of it is having a full house. Greg has been with me for a few months now, and will be here off and on for a while yet I imagine. Another friend Lindsey has been around since around mid-July. I'll have more guests this weekend, and even more guests the following weekend. It's very hard for me to relax when I have a house full of people. I didn't set out to fill my house with people; it's just happened that way. To top it off, I'm starting to spend some lovely moments with a very sweet guy, it'd be nice to have a bit more personal space around me, and to be a little less exhausted, so I can see where that leads. It's very nice, each time I see him is certainly a highlight.

We went to Roslin together for lunch on the weekend, had a lovely pub meal, and then strolled through the Roslin Chapel, which was better than I thought it was going to be. Dan Brown and thousands of American tourists aside, it's actually a very beautiful chapel in it's own right. It was a lovely relaxed afternoon, followed by dinner and DVDs. Bliss. Relaxing, sweet, and yes, certainly a highlight. I've no idea where it's going, kinda wish I did, but heck, it's lovely for now.

Well, enough for now, I'll attempt to report on some of the stuff I see during the Fringe later on in the month.

Kitten hunting in Manchester...

2007-04-21T21:31:00.001Z

Jumped on the train from Edinburgh to Manchester. Nice trip, quiet, mostly reading and listening to the iPod. Didn't pay much attention to the scenery on the way down, although it was light out for most of it. Plan to stare out of the window much more on the way back.

At about Preston, just before Manchester, a guy sat next to me, of Chinese/Tibetan/Mongolian descent, clutching a scrap of paper which turned out to be directions to Peterborough. He spoke no English except "Peterborough", "change", and "Manchester", which is basically what his directions were telling him. He seemed to want to know if he was on the right train, and I assured him he was. I settled back into my book and was soon at Manchester. I told him we were now in Manchester, and he got off the train just behind me. I turned to make sure he was alright, and he pointed at the opposite side of the platform, asking "Peterborough?". Manchester station has about 25 platforms, probably more. It probably wasn't going to be the right platform. I took him down to the nearest departures board, but I couldn't see anything obviously bound for Peterborough. So I motioned for him to follow and went down to customer service. This was now about 9.20pm. Customer service informed me that he wasn't getting to Peterborough that night, and showed me a timetable for a 7.30am train the next day. How to explain that with no English? So I took the timetable, highlighted possible trains, and noted on a different piece of paper which times they were leaving.

I'm not sure if he was disappointed or even really understood that he wasn't getting to Peterborough that night. I wished him luck, and we went our separate ways.

I found myself considering his predicament as the night wore on, just who was he? Who gave him the instructions for Peterborough? What was he doing in the UK? Why didn't he have any English? Sure, he was "foreign" and of some Asian descent, but he didn't look particularly refugee-like. He had the air (and the hair) of a Tibetan monk, but what placed him on a train arriving at Manchester? And beyond the past, what of his future? Where did he sleep? Should I have offered him to share my hotel room? Or find him accommodation? I have no idea how much money he had - I didn't even see a train ticket. Do we as humans owe a lot more compassion for each other? Should have I taken another 30 minutes to get him sorted? Who else was going to help him along his way?

Where is he now? Did he sleep on a bench at the train station? Was he cold? He had no baggage to speak of. I think I'll be wondering these things for a while.

I cabbed all of a few minutes to the hotel and settled in. I don't like to complain, but gosh, what a shitty room. The mattress was so collapsed it was bowed, the sheets weren't fitted properly (no "hospital corners") and well, it was just unkempt. Even lying on the bed to watch TV was uncomfortable.

Still, it was just a place to sleep, and after watching some trash TV, that's what I did.

I slept well, and checked out around 8am. Breakfast was a latte and a pain au chocolat down at a Starbucks where I spent a pleasant hour or so people watching from the window. Gosh these people dress funny. I saw jackets I wouldn't even wear trout fishing.

I love people watching - it reminds me of the diversity of humanity. The UK is incredibly multi-cultured now, I felt I could still spot the real "locals", but there is such an ethnicity diversity here now. Probably more so in Manchester than there is in Edinburgh. It's incredible to watch them all walking past the window.

I wandered down to the train station and sorted my tickets to Smithy Bridge, the whole reason I was down here in the first place.

One of my favourite things about taking the train is that again you see an incredible diversity. In cities the tracks often past some of the dodgier areas. Not deliberately I'm sure; the areas become dodgy by virtue of being close to constant noisy trains.

Manchester is no exception, but soon the train was in the countryside, complete with horses, cows, canals and yes, even people trout fishing. Smithy Bridge came up soon and I left the train.

A wonderful hour or so was spent with the kittens. I was in love with the little girl as I thought I might be - beautiful colouring and a wild nature. Very cute. I'd been a little hesitant about only having one kitten at home alone whilst I was working, and had been entertaining the idea of getting two.

I certainly found another kitten to fall in love with, there were other colours and patterns that were nice, but the cheeky personality of one of the boys caught my eye. In the end I'd settled on the brother/sister pair. But during my time there, I also got to spend time with the adult cats, and honestly, they're huge.

They're huge, and practically human. Children. Two kittens is fine, but two adult cats with everything that goes along with it? Can I divide my love and attention between the two of them? Can I imagine two adult cats on my bed, or running down the hall wanting to be fed?

I think now, after some consideration, that I'm a one-cat-person. Just me and her, against the world. My companion that waits for me to get home, who gives her love to me as I do her. Maine Coons are people probably more so than any other breed - I'd probably get jealous if I had two. And so would they.

A quick return train brings me back to Manchester, where I'm now sitting on Canal St enjoying a beer. Well, two beers as apparently it's two-for-one day. I don't normally drink during the day, and now two pints?

Soon I'll be heading back to the train station, and back to Edinburgh. It's been a good trip. I think I'm happiest when I'm travelling. My brain is more active, I write. I think about things. I ponder the world, and I people watch much more.

I love the people watching - finding characters for stories. Reinforcing the diversity. Realising there are similar stories and lives even in disparate people. Realising I can find the same stories, but I don't have to write about the same people. The key themes I always come back to - loss, identity - these are common themes. Are my "normal" characters even real? Aren't they just plastic cobbled-together façades of the life I always thought I wanted? Should I write my stories for plastic fake people that I've aspired to be, but have known all along don't really exist?

Or should I write about real people? Should I embed my stories in real people? Will my audiences still see the stories that I have to see? I think they will, and I think I can only benefit from learning to let go from the false ideals I've always clung to.

Speaking of which - I emailed Craig last night. He accused me of not replying to his emails. I just don't know what to say - to be angry, or sad. To love, or to hate. Better to shut up and move on, really.

A long relationship with Craig is just as much a fallacy as those empty shells of people I always thought I wanted to be. Move on, Marc. Find what's real.

Time to get my train.

Manchester Picadilly now for a short while. Starbucks in one hand, pen in the other. Ubiquitous iPod. Two pints down, is this happiness natural? It is actually a great day, somewhere behind the low thin cloud cover is a sun that's doing a pretty admirable effort to keep the light bright and the day warm. I had a couple of travelers ask me for directions - probably realising their folly the moment I opened my mouth. Still, they walked away with my googled map of Manchester which I no longer need.

Two people were comfortable enough to sit next to me on my table at the bar as I wrote and drank my two pints. Or "cheeky" enough as they put it. Was pleasant to hear their weekend catchup banter.

I love these moments with strangers, getting over our seemingly innate embarrassments to ask for something - directions, to share a seat, the way to Peterborough.

If I had my way I'd wander around foreign cities waiting for these little interactions, this fresh material.

Is my life all about what's new? The new friend, the new relationship, new city, country, job, life? There's a wide gap in my life, between the old and the new. The fixed routines and habits, and the craving of new experiences. As I get older the gap gets wider. My friends I've either known for 10 years, or six months. What is it about the middle ground that upsets me so? Why do I seek routine in the small things so much? The same coffee at the same time every day. "Fish Fridays" at work, which closely follow my regular Thursday lunch habits. I cling to these small things, yet I run from the wider experiences. One semester was enough for uni, after that I'd "done" it. As a contractor I love that I'm always changing jobs, bosses, buildings, commuting. I've lived in two continents, four countries, fix cities, and god knows how many houses. Does ordering the same coffee every morning give me the routine I quite clearly lack in the rest of my life?

Time to go find my platform.

Warcraft 12-Step Programme

2006-12-11T16:39:00.001Z

As much as I feel I should hate to admit it, I'm addicted to World of Warcraft, a "massively multiplayer online role playing game (MMORPG)". I played in Australia before I moved here, and I'm playing here now. A lot. It's great fun! My best friend got me addicted (what are friends for) and we play together on a server with a lot of fun people. There are "the swedes" who are friends of ours from another game from another year, and then there's a whole bunch of new people, some of them numpties, some of them good people. At least this way I'll have someone to visit and a free tour guide in many places, including Amsterdam for NYE this year.

But back to the game - it's fun right now as it's currently preparing for a big expansion, version 2, bigger and better, all that. The millions of players are currently testing new changes, and the game has changed in the way that's basically encouraged players to compete against each other, rather than the computer opponents, I guess. Right now, 12yos across Europe, the Americas and Australia are all getting RSI from clicking and bashing keyboards into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I shake my head and wonder why I spend my time playing this game, and then there are nights like last night where I'm playing with a bunch of people I either know in "real life" (the geeks way of talking about face-to-face friends as opposed to online virtual friends), or online friends I've known for some time. We were playing, and to sound like those said 12 year olds - we were kicking arse. Loads of fun, having a great laugh.

It seems more social than the online games of previous years, as with the advent of broadband in so many houses, we use online software (Ventrilo) that lets us talk to each other. Voice, not Skype or Voice-Over-IP or stuff like that, but similar. It makes it seem like we're in the same room, as opposed to scattered over Western Europe, and including for a while, Southern Vietnam.

So yes, it's a geeky game and I spend far too much time on it, but it allows me to have some really fun moments with people I enjoy talking to. The internet has changed the way we interact with each other, MMORPGs has changed it again (from the very first online game type thing at MIT to things like Warcraft) and now yet again with software like Ventrilo and Skype. We enjoyed the anonymity of online chat rooms, typing away where we could pretend to be someone we weren't. It wasn't long before people found the confidence that the best part of the online virtual communities was that you could be accepted without having to pretend to be someone else. We've seen photos of nearly everyone we play with, and talk to them like we talk to our families on the phone. Sure, we have in game "avatars" that might represent a particular facet of our personalities, or a character we want to play as an actor in a play, but we're getting to know the people behind the characters.

I'm looking forward to meeting some of these people as I travel through Europe, I can think it will only enhance the enjoyment of playing online together.

Un Petit Pause

2006-12-11T16:31:00.001Z

French Classes at the Institute have been going well, quite well. Some parts of the class are basic, and some seem to be quite advanced. It's good to get some of that revision, but it's also great to be in a classroom environment where I can try out some advanced theories in grammar. It's unlike school in that way, which is good.

The class is fairly small, 11 or so people, including Greg. Wednesday night this week is our break for xmas, and finally the class is being a bit social and having a drink afterward. It's been a long time coming, but I daresay because the class has such a variety of people who didn't previously know each other, it takes a while to break the ice. Now we're all chatting away, quite happy to "have a go" at an answer to something we'll probably get wrong. Good for a laugh, anyway.

Not sure if we've got a class again before we go snowboarding in France, but it'll be interesting to see how much of the knowledge kicks in whilst I'm over there. I'm a big fan of not trying too hard, and just seeing what French my brain likes to come up with, rather than rehearsing extensively beforehand. Doing so often results in a wrong phrase that you've repeated often enough to yourself that you've convinced yourself it's right.

It'll be interesting to see how our social occasion for the class goes.

New Snowboard Stuff!

2006-12-11T15:48:00.001Z

Hello there! I'm quite happy from my weekend's retail therapy: I bought a snowboard. Not only that, I used the excuse of not having our stuff shipped over from Australia yet, to purchase a new jacket, pants, gloves etc.

It's a great snowboard, a Ride "Havoc" 162. Possibly the only thing that's lacking is it's taste in colour. It's bright yellow. I would have prefered the lovely subdued brown/white version but apparently snowboard designs change depending on the size you have, so everyone out there too tall to use the subdued colours get to ride a big banana. At least this way I won't lose it in the snow, I guess!

I was tempted by the Burton iPod jacket, but not for that long. It comes with an attachment which you slip into the jacket underneath a waterproof plasticy thing thats on the outside of the jacket. Not as high-tech as I originally imagined, I thought it was going to be embedded into the fabric and have great big buttons on the arm designed for big bulky gloves. I've seen snowboarding gloves with a watch embedded; the buttons are on the ends of the fingers so all you have to do is whack them in the general area. Given that I'd have to use fine motor skills to skip tracks, I'm better off just using the generic controls and getting a jacket that matches the style/colour etc I want, rather than buying it for the technology.

So yeah! I'm all set. I'll probably need goggles but I'll get those where I'm going. Which is Morzine! Well, not Morzine exactly, but St Jean d'Aulps. Not that we'll be skiing in St Jean, that's where we'll be staying. We'll be skiing Avoriaz. I don't know the names of the hills, people throw out all these names, Grand Terche, blah blah blah. I know where I sleep at night (St Jean), and I know where we go drinking on the weekend (Morzine).

Our trip this year is seven days, which is the longest stretch I've done before, previously it was five. Perhaps I'll take a day off, I don't know. Not sure either how many of us will be out there, probably eight, I'm thinking. Should be great! We head out on January 27, flying to Geneva and then the lovely chalet owner picks us up from the airport and transfers us to St Jean. He also drives us to and from the slopes each day, into Morzine for a night's drinking, and to the supermarket. There's a pub under the chalet and a restaurant behind it. What else could we want!

I must say it's great to be going snowboarding again. I look around Edinburgh during miserable weather and I think about friends back in Australia doing summery things. And then friends email and remind me of summery things, like sitting on my balcony in shorts, drinking and talking until 4am when the fatigue sends us inside, not the cold. But then I remind myself that with miserable weather comes a close proximity to mountains and snow, and I smile again. I think now I'm here, I'm going to push to go more often than just once a season. I have to get my money's worth on my new snowboard, after all.

Rehearsals

2004-03-16T02:21:00.001Z

On a much more pleasant note, rehearsal last night was great. I still feel like I'm going to throw up in the few minutes before the curtain rises, but that's probably because I'm right at the front of a stage full of people tapping, and I'm the first thing the audience sees. And I've only had half the rehearsals everyone else has. But thankfully I can do the tap, I just have to make sure I can do it with an auditorium full of people.

So once that's over, I think it's the relief that gets me through the rest of the show.. hehe

There's still a bit where I'm faking the tap, but apparently no-one can tell. I'm sure they're just being nice to me, I might take the handycam to rehearsal tomorrow night and get someone to film it. I did that for the opening number and have been able to make some slight changes based on what I saw.

So yeah - from here on in we're full costume and makeup. And we're not stopping the show anymore, everyone is getting everything right. Which is rare, with two more rehearsals to go. Normally things are only slotting into place on the final dress rehearsal, sometimes on opening night. So we're ahead by a few days and it's a great relief. Doing the show is fun now, if only I can manage to ignore the audience. I enjoy the people, I'm really relaxed and always laughing in their company. Great people.

:)

Venting

2004-03-16T01:48:00.002Z

I'm a little bit shirty today, I'm sorry to say. Here's the situation. I presently don't have a car, yet my boyfriend does. I have a carpark space at my apartment, but only one. If I got a car, we'd have to get an extra carpark space for Craig. So we were happy with just using his car, when we needed a car, which wasn't very often. I'm now doing a show, which I can't really get to by public transport, and it goes later than the public transport so I wouldn't be able to get home. So I use Craig's car. All well and good, until you throw his parents into the equation.

The other night, I was going bowling with some friends, Craig was invited too. He decided to have dinner with his mum instead, so I dropped him home, before I went to bowling. Apparently his mum was disgusted that I had the car, when Craig had to catch the bus home. Chances are, Craig wouldn't have driven to his mum's place anyway, he'd see that as a waste of petrol, when he's so used to taking the bus.

So yeah, Craig is thinking of selling his car. I said I'd prefer he only did so in 3 weeks time, when my show will be finished and I will no longer need the car. He thinks that's fair enough. He asked his dad if he wanted to buy the car, and he was interested. I think he wants it sooner, rather than later. I'm sure they also want it because they're annoyed at me using it. His mum actually expressed annoyance because she'd paid the registration, yet I was using the car.

My point? I guess the $80 a month I'm paying for Craig's gym membership, and the $70 a week I'm paying as his half of the rent, not to mention everything else I've spent on him, has nothing to do with it. It's not like we're in a relationship and share what we have. If she likes, I'll invoice Craig for the gym and the rent, and use it to pay her for the registration. It'd probably pay for the car, actually.

I hate it when people presume I'm the only one getting anything out of this relationship.

Grrr.

Catching you up...

2004-03-09T02:14:00.001Z

Gosh, ain't it just been too long! I guess my prehensity to blog is like my moods - they come and go. I really should blog more.

So what can I tell you? Well, I went overseas and came back. That was an experience. Taking my boyfriend to places I know and love was great fun. Highlight was hiring a car and driving through some of the most bleak landscape I'd ever seen: Northern Scotland in the winter. Brrr. Horrible. But so horrible, and so different, that it was amazingly beautiful. I'll attempt to post some pictures at some stage :)

Rehearsals for 42nd Street are going really well. We're ahead of the schedule, which is rare, especially for such a full-on show like this. We open in ten days, and we're already running the show. We just have to weave in the costumes, lighting and scene changes and we're done. I'll be nervous as hell on opening night - I'm still faking some of the tap steps. Will have to take some time every day at home to get them right - dancers in the audience will know I'm faking and I don't want that :)

The cast is fun - having arrived halfway through rehearsals the cast had already bonded, and I was like a spanner in the works. I was already quite comfortable with a large number of people, and I think I shocked a few people with *just* how comfortable and relaxed I was. Guess I shouldn't have told some of those dirty jokes. But it's all good, and we're a pretty close bunch of people. Great people, too, I really feel at home with them. It's been 6 years since I was onstage, so it's lovely to be back around theatre people so much. I missed it. It's a whole different level of interaction - there is no pretense, no walls - just raw emotions and open minds. It's great.

Flirting is fun, too. There's a gorgeous guy in the cast who has taken to flirting back, which is always a bonus. I was flashing some flesh across the stage from one wing to another (as you do) to a girl, but this guy though I was aiming for him. It was just my nipple, don't worry dear readers. But he responded by lifting his shirt and rippling his stomach for me. Yum. Such a sweetie to flirt back :)

One of the other leads has relaxed a bit too - I think he felt a little threatened at first, but we've quite warmed to each other, and the joking is a lot of fun. There's a bit in the show where he falls on the ground, and invariably his t-shirt rises and I get to see the top of his underwear. He's supposed to be "dead" but my comments about his underwear always gets him laughing. Now he's taken to picking it out especially for me. "Calvins tomorrow night ok with you Marcus?". Such a sweetie.

So yeah - I'm right back in the debauchery that is musical theatre. I'm like a pig in the mud.. *grin*

Work wise things are good - I'm back at a contract 3 days a week, which is a lovely pace to be working at. I've also had some luck in other business areas - a friend and I have a contract to supply some software to a couple of business in a state-wide franchise. If we're lucky, we'll eventually get all of the franchises in the state, which will be *very* nice. So nice that I'll be able to make that my only source of income and work, giving me time to expand on it and hopefully sell it interstate, and maybe even overseas. But that's in the future - we have to write it first!

Which leads me to other news. I've always wanted to go to uni to study stuff for fun, but what has stopped me is my love of money, and the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed. I don't want to be a poor uni student. With decent franchise contracts signed, I'll get a guaranteed income over the next two years without lifting a finger beyond the initial work on the software. Which means should I want to go to uni, I don't *have* to be that poor uni student. So, all things going well, I'm going to apply for university next year. I've already decided on a double degree of International Studies and Media. So I can do my film and television production, screenwriting, all that sort of fun stuff. And I can also debate/learn international politics and policies and all that stuff, which I find more and more fascinating. The International Studies degree also involves a year of abroad study (optional, but highly recommended) meaning I'll get to go back OS and keep studying, which would be *fabulous*. So yeah, I'm really looking forward to the prospect of working on the business only a few hours a week, and immersing myself in studies which I'll find to be fascinating. I hope.. hehe

Oh - I also wrote a letter to my MP here in my electorate. I decided enough was enough and I wanted my say. I also wanted to test the governmental process - just how much can one person actually affect anything. Can one person make a difference? Or will I just get a "thanks for your letter, we'll consider it" standard reply? No idea, I look forward to the responses. I copied the letter to two other senators (in different parties) so it'll be interesting to see the responses, if any.

Well, that's enough of an update from me :) I'll try to be good and get back more often. But ciao for now! :)

Happy Picnic!

2003-12-01T05:29:00.001Z

Yesterday was Adelaide's annual "Picnic in the Park", a gay & lesbian event where we go to a park en-masse and drink, basically. Well, and sit on picnic blankets, parade our new partners in front of our ex boyfriends, get drunk, laugh at the lube-wrestling, and have a good perve. All fun, really. It starts at midday, so this year I decided to have a champagne and chicken breakfast to get everyone rearing to go by 12. It worked. We were all quite tipsy, lots of fun, really. I had to convince my lovely housemate to drive me to the bottle shop so I could pick up another 4 bottles of champers. All together I think we went through 7 bottles of a lovely Asti, 2 bottles of Croser, 1 bottle of Bollinger, and about 4 other bottles of mixed quality that friends turned up with. We were all quite merry, really. People just sat around my lounge room, listened to music, picked at the chicken salad, and got drunk. As other people's friends turned up at the picnic, they'd go across to the park (just across the road from my house, quite handy really), and eventually we were all over there.

Picnic is a great event, 'cos you see people you haven't really seen since the last picnic. It's a lot of "oh hi, how are you, nice cute boy you've got there, we really must catch up, oh gotta go there's such-and-such" and running off to air-kiss the next person.

Ok, it's not quite like that. But to a certain extent it is.. hehe.. I was quite a fabulous sight this year - wandering around with a plastic martini glass and a bottle of Bollinger in my other hand. Fabulous.

My good friend and his not-quite-boyfriend-since-they-broke-up-and-they're-almost-back-together had a big argument whilst both were drunk, and I had to go down to arbitrate that for a bit, but other than that it went smoothly for myself and my friends. My boyfriend had some old(er) guy come up to him and say "has anyone told you how cute you are?" (which is like -7 points for trying, what a line, eh?) and he replied "my mum tells me all the time, gotta go, bye!". He's quite proud of himself. Rightly so.. *grin*

So yeah - was a really good day. Afterwards Craig and I wandered home, rested for a bit, ordered pizza and watched bad movies on TV. A really nice weekend, overall! :)

Joyeaux Noel!

2003-11-30T05:13:00.001Z

Merry Xmas all. Why do I say that? Because last night I attended my christmas party for the language school where I'm learning French. Well, I wouldn't say learning, I'd say improving. We all went to a restaurant down near the beach, it was really good. Great night, great weather, and a really nice outlook onto the beach. There would have been about 12 tables of about 12 people on each, so it was really quite a turnout. I sat next to a lovely young lady called Kate, and she and I chatted for most of the night, exchanging our overseas experience stories. She's in love with Italy; myself with France. But we've both found Venice to be particularly alluring, so we chatted about that a fair bit. Opposite me was a fairly quiet guy called Simon, after everyone had left he and I managed to have a conversation; he's in the air force, moves around a bit, and is learning French because he's traveling there early next year.

So yeah - was a good night. Managed to use my gaydar to spot a couple of gay guys there - one learning French and the other Italian. Pity the cuter of the two was learning Italian though, not French. No matter. I'll find reasons to chat to them if I see them around the language school.

During the night was a quiz night, basically, and all related to foreign languages or culture. I think we did pretty well, including the bonus points section for getting up and singing a nursery rhyme in a different language.

I've only been at the language centre for about 2 weeks, so I didn't really know anyone, still, everyone was very friendly so I had no issues. It's a pretty vibrant school - students joke about it being like a cult, but we're all adults so I think we're able to cope. There are "cultish" type feelings on somethings, but I think that's just the centre's enthusiasm for success and achieving. I think most of the students are quite cynical so it's probably a nice balance.. *laugh*

I'm back!

2003-11-24T02:36:00.002Z

I got in!

To what? I hear you ask. Well, on the weekend I auditioned for 42nd Street, the musical. It's being done here next year, by the Hills Musical Company. I've worked with them before, they're great fun to do a show with. It's an amateur theatre company, putting on two shows a year. Anyway, I'm very excited. By the time that opens, it will have been six whole years since I've been on stage. Wow, that's a long time when I think about it. That can't be possible. Gosh, it is. The last thing I did for theatre was choreograph Fiddler on the Roof, in 1998. I was onstage for A Chorus Line in early 1998, I think that was.

So yeah! Back on stage. I'm going to miss most of the rehearsals, well, maybe not most, but a fair few, when I'm overseas. But the role of "Andy" (which I'll be playing) is relatively small. He's the choreographer of the show inside the show. 42nd Street is about a theatre company putting on a show, "Pretty Lady" I believe, and Andy is the choreographer of that show. My ex boyfriend is playing the director of that show. Funnily enough, we were both in A Chorus Line, where he played the director and I played the choreographer. Well, it's a bit different, since in that show the director also choreographs, and I played the dance captain kinda thing, but the relationship is the same. And we've also been director/choreographer in real life, since he directed Fiddler when I was the choreographer. Talk about type casting! Well, it's always a good team.. hehe

The audtions were fun - my first in quite some time. It started with a "cattle call" in the morning, where all people auditioning for chorus and/or small parts was required to turn up, learn a song, and learn some dancing. I was in the group first learning the song - I knew it already, as did most people, so that was quite simple. I think most of us were worried about the dancing part though - I hadn't danced for about 5 1/2 years. So it was our turn, and we got onto stage to learn the dancing. Wasn't much tapping, just a shuffle here and there, quite simple overall. We then got a break, and during the break I ended up going through the dance bit with everyone that was a bit unsure, ie just about everyone! I spent my entire break going through it, I suppose once a choreographer, always a choreographer! It was fun though. I like turning back to everyone and dancing with them, but doing the opposite, like a mirror. Keeps your brain active to be able to change like that, I enjoy it. Of course I had to do a lot of that when I choreographed Fiddler, so I was used to it. So yeah - after the break we got called up in groups of four, and I was in the first group. I wasn't nervous at all, we did our dance, sang our song, did the dance again, and that was it. Very simple. So I went back out into the rehearsal room, and everyone still wanted me to teach them the dance. So, flattered, I did... hehe.. It was fun. I went through it with most of the people, then took some "problem" people aside to help them out intensively. Of course I loved every minute of it.

So yeah, that was that bit over and done with. Then they wanted two guys, and a bunch of girls back for more intensive tap auditions. I was one of the guys.. *gulp* The choreographer said "we're going to go through this a lot quicker than the last dance" and boy was she right. She zoomed through it. Took me ages to get my head around it, and all of a sudden we're in groups and performing it for her. Shite! Full on tapping, well, kinda, no wings or anything, but proper slap ups and toe hits and all that jazz. I think I did just "ok". But yeah, it was still fun. After that I went home for a break, 'cos I had to return later on in the afternoon for a private audition, since I was going for a part.

So I turned up later, for my private audition. I wasn't really nervous at all, strangely, since I normally *hate* auditions and almost end up puking. I guess because this time I didn't really mind if I got in or not, mostly I was doing it for fun, and to help out Max (the director). So yeah. I waited around as is normal at auditions, then went in. Sang my song, sang another song for a different part (the main young lead, shit I didn't want that part but they got me to sing it anyway) which was a little high for me, but I still think I did ok with it. Then came the dance part, and I was dreading "oh god, she's going to make me do wings or something" but it was about 15 seconds of soft-shoe and that was it. It was just token, really, I presume the choreographer had watched what I'd done in the group tapping section earlier that day, and didn't really need to see more. Then I read lines for "Andy" as well as "Billy" (the young lead), and that was that. He asked if I'd take the role of Billy if offered, I said "um, yes, if I have to", knowing that I couldn't *really* sing the part. So yeah, that was that! I went home and went to bed.. hehe.. Max (the director) called me later that night and offered me the role of Andy. Thank god.. hehe I wasn't really looking forward to making a fool of myself trying to sing the role of Billy.

So there you have it! I'll be back on stage around May next year, tapping away in 42nd Street! I'm looking forward to it.

Goals

2003-11-21T03:04:00.002Z

Hrm. On my walk to the shop and back for lunch, I figured since it's nearing the end of the year, it's time to sort out some goals. Hopefully realistic ones.

Financial/Asset Goals
To own a vespa! Cool!
To have a new mp3 player.
To get 'that rug' for the lounge.
To get a DVD/VHS player.

Personal Goals
To become fluent in French.
To go to the gym more.
To write more of or even finish the novel/screenplay.
To write, shoot and edit a short film of some sort.
To join the Media Resource Centre

Business Goals
Find a good part-time contract.
Produce a business plan for the cards idea.
Gain interest from vendors for the cards idea.

Wonder how far I'll get...

Needs Work, Renovator's Dream

2003-11-12T04:12:00.001Z

Thoughts on my "type"
I think I'm a wimp. I've just realised this. On the weekend I took a road trip with some friends to Melbourne, where we clubbed and drank and ate and basically had fun all-round. On Sunday night we were at a pub, in the "gay" section on the side. We were basically just sitting around and chatting and stuff, and I could see these two guys up at the bar, obviously debating whether to come over and sit with us. Me, specifically.
And they did. Lets call them Richard, and Peter. Richard was good looking, with a big smile and an enthusiastic manner. Peter was gorgeous, simply put. But I think it was Richard that was interested in me, who instigated the "lets go sit over there and talk to him" manoeuvre. But, I wasn't attracted to Richard, although he seemed to be a lovely guy. Peter was gorgeous... Kinda short, with short blond hair, a nice flushed face (the Prince William flushed cheeks look), and a very funny manner. And a great voice, too. Not only that, he's lived in France for a year or so, as well as having studied in Germany. So we had lots to talk about - his take on the different accents of the regions, what the people were like, etc etc. He also seemed rather successful, doing international marketing with a bank or something, I can't really remember the specifics he didn't really go into. Richard was into social working, also quite interesting.

But I found myself becoming quite attracted to Peter. He was funny, smart, spoke multiple languages, had worldly experiences. Very successful, I would imagine. Nice apartment in a nice suburb. We even talked about landmarks in Melbourne and he agreed that I really should see the Australian art gallery, as well as a newly opened up domed ceiling in the state library. A man after my own heart, to value those kinds of things.

Throughout our weekend, my friends and I pointed out people to each other, ie "There's a guy for you, Brad", etc. That led to discussions on what our "types" were. If I want to look at someone, I like looking at people with the eastern European look, mostly. Anywhere in Czech Republic, Slovakia, Scandinavia, Germany, etc etc. I like that look. But my "type" of personality I go for, it's always the same. Well, the ones I end up dating are always the same. They're always a little bit flawed, I guess, and have much less experience than I have. Renovators delights, as it were. People with issues about themselves - be it being newly "gay", or something else similar. People with plenty of baggage.

But I also find myself terribly attracted to people like Peter, above. Successful people. People with which I would imagine a hell of a lifestyle. Two people with my income, dating? That would be wild. Two people without the obvious big issues? Fantastic.

But in the end, they always make me run a mile. Just look at my attempt at dating Dominic, when I last lived in Melbourne. He had no issues. He had his own company, he was successful, had his shit together, was happy with himself. Great to be around. Just no big flaws. I run from people like that - I certainly ran from Dominic. And Andrew, another friend from Melbourne. I'd say we had an opportunity to date, it just never eventuated. He's certainly cute, and very successful. Comes from a very successful family. He's very genuine, caring, honest, and smart. All those things I'm attracted to in a person, just not in a relationship. I look at him today and think "shit, maybe I should have dated him". I'd probably think the same of Dominic if I saw him. And I was certainly thinking that of Peter the other night. I imagined what it would be like to date him.

But I know I'd never go through with it.

Which leads me to my conclusion - I'm a wimp. People who are as smart/successful/together as me, or even more so, threaten me. I don't like being around people that know more than me. Some of Peter's French scared me. I found myself to not be the most interesting person at the table, when he was there. That's threatening to me. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

So I'm a wimp. I date people I can impress. I don't date people I can really learn from, I date people who can learn from me. Is it out of compassion for them, or because I'm a wimp? I'm thinking it's the latter.

At the beginning of the "courtship" with Dominic, I said to him "don't let me run away from this because it's too good for me". He wasn't sure what I meant. I showed him within a week - I was out of there. As George Michael sings in one of his songs "You look for your dreams in heaven, but what the hell do you do when they come true?".

Peter was the guy of my dreams. I want him, but I don't. I'd try to date him, but I'd run a mile. Do I not want to be happy? Or does it all come down to a guy's fear of commitment? Do I run from things I think might work, only to find things that probably won't? Am I more comfortable failing? I already know I'm more comfortable when I'm not learning things from someone else. I already know that smart people make me feel uncomfortable.

So where to from here? I guess realising these things about myself will help me in the future. Do I continue dating people like I do, or do I try to find someone successful? I guess I'll just play it by ear. Anything that I end up in, that I put my heart into, is bound to be worthwhile, however long it lasts. I love Craig enormously. He may not be an investment banker, or multi-lingual, or able to travel overseas at the drop of a hat, but he's my boyfriend and I love him.

Visit for the family...

2003-11-03T06:25:00.002Z

Well, what a fun weekend. I went back home for the weekend, for my dad's auntie's 50th wedding anniversary. It was great! She's the matriarch of the family, so it was no bother for me to fly back just for the occasion. Besides which, I also got to see my gorgeous niece again. She even remembered me! (Probably after prompting by mum). But still, it was good. Barbra (dad's auntie) and Ron (husband) hadn't been told about the night, it was a secret! Friends of theirs even lied about what was going on, and apparently they were quite disappointed that no one was going to be around that night to celebrate. Instead, we dragged them out to the pub where they got quite a surprise. It was a lovely night.

I got to sit next to Maya (my 17 month old niece) again, which was a lot of fun.. Nan on one side, uncle on the other. Was a laugh. Also had to arbitrate between my elder niece and nephew who were arguing over $5 my brother had given them to spend on computer games. Was I ever like that? Probably worse. They're pretty good kids, really.

Oh - I was also over to install a couple of CD burners for mum, for her shop, well, one at her shop and one at home. Her backups were taking up 6 floppy disks, and her old zip disk thingies were outdated and unsuitable. I thought teaching mum how to burn CDs was going to be like pulling teeth, but it wasn't too bad. She's catching up on all this technology eventually.. hehe

Saturday we didn't do much - worked at mum's shop in the morning (we had a ripper of a day!), and vegged about at home that night. We then later went out to Barb & Ron's place for dinner, and to play cards. I played abysmally. Oh well. It's still fun, and I still love playing cards.

Sunday I slept in (yay!) and then we went to see my brother. I took the eldest nephew and niece down to the playground, and Kye rescued a bird hopping around with a broken wing. I knew his mum would never let it back in the house, but he insisted. Oh well, he'll learn.

I then played with Maya again, and we left. Vegged about the house a bit more and then went to catch my plane.

So yeah, a nice weekend for me. I'm being rather "family" this year, and I think Maya is to blame.. *laugh* It's nice, though, and makes a change.

Emotions are like waves

2003-10-27T02:43:00.001Z

I got a little bit upset Saturday night. Not so that you'd notice, I'm rarely like that, although someone told me I was a bit subdued. I passed it off as still feeling a bit sick from last week's food poisoning.

I saw Craig out, on Saturday. Not my boyfriend Craig, another guy. Without going into a huge history, we had finally met after lots of good chatting on the net, we fooled around a couple of times. Trouble is, he's Dylan's ex. And he was over whilst Dylan was living with me, in the spare room, as a friend. We'd broken up, and I really thought that was it, it was never going to happen again.

So anyway, Dylan freaks out at the possibility of Craig and I getting together. I have no idea why, until it eventually comes out that he was still in love, but he was waiting until I got back from Europe (I was going away for a couple of months) to actually do anything.

So there I was, stuck between someone I knew I loved, and someone I might love in the future. Craig was an unknown quantity - we could have lasted a week, maybe we would have lasted ten years. I didn't know. But Dylan, I knew what we were like together, and I missed that enormously. So I went back out with Dylan, and stopped whatever might have occurred with Craig.

He freaked, understandably I guess. So between he and me it's been pretty hit and miss. I think we caught up once again, way after Dylan and I had broken up (for real that time), and it was good. Fine, we shagged. I even caught a bloody bus for like an hour to go see him in a crap pantomime. Even bought him flowers for the show.

So I dunno. I mean, I like(d) him a real lot, I would have been dating him if it wasn't for Dylan's reaction. He's smart, funny, a little bit screwy, and pretty naive but in an arrogant way. Tons of baggage, just the kind of guy I like. Well, the kind of guy I fall hard for.

So do I still have feelings for him? Of sorts, yeah. I still try to keep in contact but he's so hit and miss. I rarely see him online, and he lives a long way away, so it's hard to go visit. And no matter how many times I try to initiate contact, or initiate a catch up, he puts me off.

And that was the brief background? lol So anyway.

He was out on Saturday night. I was out at the pub with my Craig, and a good friend Chantelle. I was talking to them, and I thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Since I'm hardly out, and I think he's hardly out, I wasn't sure if it was him. So I sent a hello? SMS. I saw where he ended up at the other side of the bar, and I saw him get the SMS. He read it, barely looked up, and obviously the person he was with said "who was that?" and he replied something, and I can't lip read much, but I did see my name. He didn't even really look around.

So about 10 minutes later I sent him another SMS, just a funny comment about what he was drinking. He glanced around and saw me, but there was no contact in the eyes, no moment, he saw me, but that's it.

So that's why I got upset.

So why are emotions like waves? Because there's something that I always try to remember in situations like this. Are you familiar with wave theory? Things go up and down, right? If you add two waves together, there are a number of results. If the peaks and troughs occur at the same time, then you get twice as big peaks and troughs. If they occur at the opposite times, they cancel each other out.

So my emotions, and my ability to cope, and my desires and all that, is a wave. It resonates at a certain level. It's like a wave. As soon as you add another person's wave, the results are unpredictable. It could be that you're both in a trough at the moment, then you end up with a shitty situation. When you're both peaking, it's wonderful.

You can't always rely on someone else to be completely understanding, to be able to handle every situation with a calm resolve, etc. So I was feeling a little awkward with him there, and probably so was he. I think I ended up so upset because I let his "wave" interfere with mine, and it doubled my emotions downwards.

This all makes sense in my head, and I'm not being as eloquent and succinct as I normally am, I hope it makes a little sense to you.

Basically: humans are unpredictable enough on their own. Add another unpredictable human and sometimes the results suck more than they actually should.

So I try to remember that I'm dealing with unpredictable people. Craig has tons of his own issues, he's more unpredictable than most. I mean, no-one other than him really knows what's going on his head, and I shouldn't let his behaviour affect me so much. The past is the past, I would have liked to have been friends, since we were close enough to consider dating, and I'm sad to see that go.

I love my niece(s)!

2003-10-25T05:08:00.001Z

Well what a rare occasion. Both of my brothers were in town last night and we were able to catch up. First time that's happened in a couple of years, actually. I have two older brothers, Jason the eldest, and Shaun. Jason lives in Melbourne with his wife Melanie, and Shaun lives back in Port Lincoln with his wife Kym, and four kids.

So anyway - Jason came by and we drove down to see Shaun and Kym - the two eldest kids were elsewhere, but the other two were there. Maya is 17 months and Leila is, oh, about 5 months. Maya is simply gorgeous. She's just getting to the point where she can say a lot of things. What's most often out her mouth is "what's that?" as she points. I guess she sees her parents doing that all the time. She's so cute. I took the new toy down as well, and managed to get some footage.

Was good to drive down there with Jason, too, it's been a while since we caught up just the two of us. In the past it's always with his wife, and well, it's not the same. So yeah, it was great. I finally worked out exactly what it is he does, since the only ideas I had were so amorphous I wasn't really sure. His company makes calibration and testing equipment for the telecommunications industry. He sells the stuff, but he's also quite technical. He can't make the stuff, but he understands the theories contained within. Which is cool. He's always been smarter than me anyway :) He loves his job - he just got back from something in Montreal and Toronto. Lucky sod :) I'm very pleased. I didn't want to be the only one in the family to travel and be well paid. I always felt too different as it was.. *laugh*

So yeah, back to Friday night. Was great! We sat around the house for a while (my brother's mother-in-law's place, she's lovely), and then went out to dinner in a very nice restaurant. You know, the kind of place where it looks like you can't afford it.. hehe

We took Maya - Leila was left at home to sleep. I took the chair right next to the highchair.. hehe.. I've noticed my mum do that, so since she wasn't around I figured I'd get to! :) She was so well behaved. And lots of fun. Apparently my brother and wife had been teaching her to say "Marcus" all week. Dunno, but it didn't really bother me what she said, she was cute nonetheless. I loved the way she said Nemo (from the movie), it was Nemooooooooooo. And pencils is pensooooooooooooos. Very cute. Especially when she has a Finding Nemo colouring-in book and had to use pensooooos on Nemooooooooooooooo.

Dinner was lovely, too. Afterward we went back to the mother-in-laws, and we sat around, had a beer, chatted more, caught up, traded horror stories about mum & dad (as only siblings can), and did some more filming of my gorgeous niece.

It'll be nice to have something to try out with the video editing. I'm sure mum would love some footage of her grandchildren! hehe

So yeah, was a nice night. Jason stayed at my place, we chatted quite late, and this morning we went for breakfast at the cafe downstairs. Was nice to catch up. We always have plenty to talk about, even if we go into technobabble about the industry.. hehe.. Then we played Age of Mythology until it was time for him to catch his plane. Was a good night.

Aaargh!

2003-10-24T02:19:00.001Z

With all this frustration rearing up of late, it's bringing the hermit in me screaming to the fore (metaphorically, at least).

Some background. I think we can only really count on ourselves. Other people, although trustworthy, have their own lives to live, their own flaws, their own motives. You can't expect a partner to stick around forever. Nor can they count on you to stick around forever. Given that, I've always believed I had to be happy on my own, living by myself, keeping my own company. And I am. Granted, my periods of being single don't really last for long, but I really enjoy it when I am. I lived for a year in Melbourne, where I was single. And it was one of the greatest years of my life so far, I had the time of my life. Even my next year, in London, was great. I was living in London, and Jens my partner lived in Stuttgart, in Germany. We saw each other every 3 weeks or so, but kept in constant contact during those three weeks. I had a ball. Time to myself, solitude, reflection time, time to play guilt-free computer games, etc etc. The time to be myself, and do the things I like to do on my own.

So if I know that I enjoy being on my own, why haven't I learnt my lesson? Dylan and I lived together, but I guess that was more driven by the fact he was sleeping on people's floors and in kitchens, and I wanted to give him his own space. And I don't think living together frustrated each other as much as it's now apparent that Craig and I frustrate each other.

But Craig moved in almost instantly. I think there were possibly two nights at the beginning where he didn't stay at my house, and then probably a few nights in the next couple of months where he didn't stay over. It's my own fault. I was hankering for him to say "I live here". I used to joke about him getting mail sent to his "real" address. I encouraged him to officially change his address. So it's my own fault - if I love my solitude, why on earth did I fight so hard to get him here all the time?

Because of the honeymoon period, I guess. Because that initial love and excitement forces you to be blind to all the things that may eventually frustrate the heck out of you. And while things were perfect, yes, I did want to see him 24 hours a day.

So, as I've said, it's my own stupid fault.

He says he'll probably move back home whilst he's finishing his uni stuff - and I think that's wise. He's getting so pissed off at uni that when he tries to study he just gives up. Gets frustrated, then gives up. Gets frustrated at *me*, then gives up. And I can't handle that, not on top of the usual relationship frustrations that I'm feeling about being penned in, with no time of my own. He pesters me after about 9 o'clock saying "lets go to bed early" when I haven't done half of the stuff I want to do before sleeping, getting up and going to work again. My evenings are my own - he wants me to lose half of them simply because he prefers falling asleep next to me. So I give up my night, and we go to bed. He falls asleep, I'm wide awake. I should just get up again, really.

I so need my own space. I can't even chuck a hissy fit and "go home", like he can. He's got me cornered in my own home, and there's nothing I can do about it. He even gets frustrated when I want to go out and do things on my own, albeit less now than before, I think he knows how much I'm getting cabin fever. He still doesn't like it though, no matter how he tries to hide it or say it's ok.

Normally by this stage in a rant I like to have a solution. I don't like to complain about things when there's no solution, and I hate it when others whinge and then don't do anything about it. So here's what I want. I want Craig to move back to his parents place - that will give him some space to himself, and to study, since he barely studies here. It'll give me some much needed space. I can play computer games all night without fear of recrimination, I can catch up with friends I've barely seen over the last ten months.

Not only that, but I think it'll resolve the "how would you live without me?" issue. Craig seems to think he does everything around the house - cleaning, cooking, etc. But he's never lived away from home before, he's always had his mum do everything. Now that the honeymoon is over, playing house is no longer quite so novel. I do most of my stuff without complaint or comment - heck I've lived out of home for almost 12 years. This is old hat to me. But to Craig, well, I guess it's a bit much. Cooking, cleaning, buying food, being gay for the first time, as well as being deaf and struggling at uni, it's all a bit too much for him. I've tried to be supportive, but I can't cope all the time. When he gets frustrated and inadvertently takes it out on me, then treats me like I couldn't even wipe my arse without him; it's a bit too much. As I've said, I prefer to live alone anyway. Now, with all this, I want it even more. I don't want this to get to a point where I don't want to be his boyfriend anymore, I think we can fix it before that happens. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me. I just need more space to be me, to be that person he loves.

Is that a solution? I hope so.

Corporate Machines

2003-10-23T03:37:00.001Z

Thoughts on companies, bills, and overpopulation

I was chatting with a friend today about power bills, which led to my phobia of opening official looking envelopes, which developed into a rant about how I hate most of the western world.

Big leap? Perhaps. Good rant? Sure was.

The first time this really struck me was when I was living in Melbourne, working for IBM. I was waiting for a friend who worked for Telstra, in the foyer of his building in the CBD. Huge building, wasn't their main one, but still enormous.

It struck me then, as I watched literally hundreds and hundreds of people pour in and out of that building, all clones, all in suits, carrying briefcases, laptops, mobile phones, all carrying on their jobs. And it made me wonder, just how difficult is it to run a telephone company? But then again, Telstra is no longer just a telco, it's huge. But why? Mostly so upper managers can justify their jobs. They have to expand, always with the expanding. And more people are employed to push paper, shake hands, write memos, have meetings, give presentations, and walk in and out of their building past a now doleful looking me as I wonder just how the hell we got ourselves into this mess.

We create jobs to give ourselves something to do. We're so grossly overpopulated, and people need things to do, mostly so we don't get bored and start killing ourselves, but secondly because today's society has self-worth all tied up with your job. If you've got a good job, you have high self-worth. So we create these monster companies like Telstra to give all these poor sods a job to make themselves feel important, like they've got something to do.

And that's just the phone company.

Look at our tax returns? Why are there so many companies now that will do your tax return? Cos we've been so stupid as to make something that basically everyone *has* to do, too difficult to be done by everyone. Look at lawyers - we've made the law so complex that we have to hire people at $500 an hour just to make sense of it. We've become entangled in our own mechanisms to create self-worth.

'Scuse my French, but that's fucked.

We've made our lives so bloody difficult to live. Now Australia is getting into the "I'll sue!" mentality, just like we perceive America has. We're all very aware of our rights, and dammit we'll sue if we don't get them. I'm sure it's the first thing in people's minds even before they skin their knee, as they trip over a bump in the footpath. "I'll sue the bloody council!".

Fancy raising a suit against McDonalds 'cos the coffee was too fucking hot. I mean, really. Well, what I should say is, fancy him bloody winning? Where the hell have we taken ourselves?

Is it any wonder that people like me pop up from time to time? I joke about an inability to cope with the real world, and I truly think that's what it is. I have an abnormal fear of opening letters that come from official looking places. I'm constantly dreading bad news. I hate receiving bills. It's not that I don't like paying for them - heck, I use the service, I'm more than happy to pay for it, and I have a good job so I certainly have the money for it. It's just a feeling of dread that comes over me when I go to the mailbox.

Tax eludes me - I can see the logic (or the lack thereof) in the system, and appreciate it as a system, because I'm a programmer and analyst, but when it comes to inserting my personal life into the equation, I simply freeze up. I don't declare any deductions simply because I have a block. I can't even collate bills to give to my accountant, for *them* to work out deductions. It goes on my "to do" list, and stays there, haunting me.

So yeah, I suck. Well, a friend announced the other day she was doing her first tax return in about 5 years. I'm proud of her. If I didn't have my mother constantly nagging me, or a company nagging me whilst I was working overseas, I'd be in the same position. I'm proud of her for facing her demons and doing it. All the more proud because I know how it feels, and I'm not sure I'd be able to do it.

But enough about me, back to my rant. About the state of things. Is it really only to give ourselves something to do? I think it's just because we're overpopulated. Lets go back to the stone ages. Once a community got too big, I mean you didn't really need any more than 3 blacksmiths in a village, then people would branch off and start their own village. But still, we ended up with big towns, and I don't think we were "corporate" then. There would have been a few jobs in those towns simply to organise the town, but that's a council, that's fair enough.

So when did we get this "expand and make millions" mentality? I can understand why a local corner store decides to start selling alcohol - it's meeting the needs of the people nearby, it's adding value by making their lives easier, stopping them having to travel further. I can understand why malls exist - so you can get all your shopping done in one place.

But these big global companies that just suck up other companies, and merge, make money, create jobs, sack people, have takeovers.. it's all beyond me. AOL Time-Warner. Now there's a big company. 3M. Don't they own Kodak? Don't they also make post-it notes? Don't they also make pharmaceuticals?

I think we're all deluded. I think most people who go to their corporate jobs don't even know if they add value to anyone's lives or not. Just their own - they make money for their family. That's fair enough, but I think socially their job is a waste of time. Oh, I'm not pulling some holier-than-thou stunt, half of my jobs have been a complete waste of time. But I'm certainly drawn towards adding value where at all possible. Currently I'm working on online learning - I make it easier for people to study online, I make their experience more pleasant, and easier to use. I think I'm adding value. But I certainly don't fool myself why my boss does it - he does it to make money.

I don't have any solutions for this situation we've gotten ourselves into. I'd have to have more of a think about it. We're overpopulated, we've got to this point, we should seriously think about the way the world might turn in the next ten years. More population = more jobs = more bullshit. I think we're on a downward spiral, and I pity my unborn children.

Maybe that's it.. Maybe we should seriously think about why we have children. And how many we have! My brother has four. He and his wife are two. Once they're dead, that's two extra bodies on the planet. I don't think that's particularly responsible.

Although they say Australia is an aging population, and I remember someone saying we actually should be having more children.

Who knows, eh?

Two birthdays..

2003-10-16T05:29:00.001Z

On Tuesday it was my ex boyfriend's birthday, and today it's his boyfriend's birthday. So my bf, and a good friend and myself went out to get them a present, and drop around for their birthdays.

As unglamorous as it is, we got them a bug zapper. Let me explain! They have a nice patio area out the back, and it's coming up to summer. So it's a very functional present, so I'm pleased with our choice. They also seemed pleased.

To me it's rather.. um.. suburban, I think I'd rather fend with the mozzies, but they seemed to like it.. :)

We also got to have a sing along! Well, rather my ex and my good friend sang, I squarked, the rest listened. I hadn't heard Chris (my ex) or Jacqui (the good friend) sing for a long time. They sang some of my favourite songs! The best they sing is "Van Diemen's Land", by U2. Gosh it's beautiful. Jac has some of the best harmonies I've ever heard.. It gives me chills, everytime.

I swear one day I'm going to rent out a studio, get all my friends together, and get their voices down on CD. They always seem so reluctant to sing, I don't care if they think they sound crap, it's all relative! I think they sound beautiful.

I wish Jacqui would sing on her own, though. She's always harmonising to Chris, or singing along to an mp3, never just her singing.

I wish I could sing like that. I guess I'm good at other things. And I really enjoying singing along myself, so I guess I don't need to be good at it, since I already enjoy it enormously.

Hrm. What would I need, if I were to hire out a studio. I guess one with a piano. I could also get Chris to record his backup music to CD, so we could play that. We'd need a talented pianist, too. Who would I want to sing? Probably just Chris and Jacqui. And Ben (another talented friend, but he lives in Sydney). Wonder if I could get them to do all the songs I love? I really like a Ben Harper song, but Chris won't learn it 'cos it's not sung in his style. *pout* I think he should branch out.. *laugh*

There are heaps of musicals songs I'd love for him to sing. I reckon I could get quite a few done, in a few hours of studio time, if I organised it properly...

I went out!

2003-10-13T04:37:00.001Z

Well, I had a pretty good weekend. On Friday night I ended up going out afterall, with David. We went to a cool bar around the corner from my place, and he was expecting a call from one of his workmates, to then go drinking somewhere else. But David was stood up, so we got to go out instead. I got quite bevvied up on my G&Ts, him on his bourbons.. We ended up out at the club, did a bit of dancing, a bit of chatting, and I encouraged him to do as much flirting as possible. Was fun, I haven't been that tipsy in a while. I wasn't even that drunk at my own hosted cocktail party.. hehe

Craig was having trouble sleeping so he ended up joining us out, which was nice. We stayed a bit longer, and then made the trek to Hungry Jacks for munchies. Whilst we were there a heap of deaf friends turned up, the same ones from my friend's party the previous Monday. Was fun. Then home to bed, after drinking lots of water to try to avoid a hangover.

It didn't really work. I got a hangover, but what's worse, I ended up with Craig's cold. Well, not the cold, but the sore throat. I hate waking up feeling like that. Blerg. I was only thankful that it was Saturday and I wasn't about to waste my whole weekend feeling sorry for myself.

So yeah, didn't do much on Saturday, didn't go out. Just stayed in, played with my new camera, watched TV, that kinda stuff.

Yesterday was a good day.. I woke up reasonably early, and it was a glorious day. Spent some time outside in the planter boxes, doing some weeding. Did some tidying, in case Craig's mum came and visited. Then David rang and said he was working at some wine and food festival thingy in one of the main city parks. So I hussled Craig along into the shower, and we wandered down. And boy, I wish I'd known about it earlier! A whole park full of booths of wine and food, glorious! Thousands of people, too, was a great atmosphere. I got myself a glass and picked a nice pinot noir to start with. We caught up with David, and wandered around a bit. We ate, and sat down at some chairs to laze the afternoon away. What beautiful weather for it. Later we wandered home, Craig had a nap and I stuffed around on the computer, then watched Australian Idol. I cooked dinner for us, and then I went to bed to read a new book I'd bought ages ago but never got around to starting.

So yeah, a pretty nice weekend. I really have to spend more time outside, I think! I'd love to grow a nice rosemary box hedge along the planter boxes, I think it would smell lovely!

But yeah, it's Monday and I'm at work. Could hardly get out of bed this morning. Got to work just before midday. Such a beautiful day, too. And I've still got part of Craig's bloody throat infection.. Yuck.. I wanna go home!!!! :)

I'm seriously thinking of asking to return to 20 hours a week. I'm not cut out for fulltime, especially in summer.. hehe

Grrrr

2003-10-10T10:41:00.001Z

Craig's frustrations are so infectious.. I had a chiropractic appointment to go to tonight, so I walked to where he was doing his course today, even got him an iced chocolate as a thanks. He drove me to the appointment, and at some point whilst I was getting my back popped and my neck wrung like a chicken, he got frustrated. At something. Probably a meeting he had to go to. So anyway, he came and picked me up on the fly, I had to run out the door and jump in the car. No time to put my seatbelt on, when he's thrusting rubbish at me to hold onto. Obviously it doesn't matter if I'm seatbelted or not. And he proceeded to speed away, snapping at me. Oh well.

My only beef is that it only takes seconds for his grumpiness to rub off on me. Not fair. I was having a reasonable day, and was feeling tender from the chiro. Putting up with Grumpy Craig ^TM was the last thing I wanted.

*sigh*

For better or worse, don't they say? :)

This is really cool...

2003-10-10T06:23:00.001Z

I've been dispensing advice such as this to friends both gay and straight for a while, and now here's someone else's view:

Monogamy Is Unnatural, Fidelity Comes Hard For Humans--Gay and Straight

Have a read, it's cool!

New toy...

2003-10-10T06:14:00.001Z

It's been relatively normal. Oh, I got a new toy, a digital handycam! It's a Sony, of course, a DCR-IP55. It's MicroMV, so the tapes are tiny. Does 1 Megapixel still shots, which is ok for my purposes. It's fun! And it's going to be fun. I've been hunting around the net for some screenplays to have some fun with. We're toying with the idea of re-filming Blair Witch Project, or at least some of the parts of it. Could be fun. Have also found a screenplay to a short film, involving two guys and a closet. A bit of a laugh, and a bit poignant, too. And no huge special effects budget, which makes it ok for me to do! So I'll see how I go.

Craig had a moment halfway through the week where he got a bit depressed about uni. It's hard for me to empathise, I've never been to uni, and it seems like too much hard work, to me. He wants to drop one of his subjects, he says a drop out is better than a fail. I dunno, I don't like either, really. I guess I'll just support him in doing whatever he chooses, since I can't really make a value judgment.

He said "I want to run away with you somewhere". God, am I ever tempted! He'd probably be open to pissing off to Europe right about now, or at least not coming home from our Christmas trip. I wish! I'd love to put house-hunting in Edinburgh on the itinerary. Well, I guess I'll observe him during the holiday, gauge just how much he misses home, struggles with the language, etc. I certainly can't take a bit of mid week blues as an indication of what he wants to do overall. I also think it had to do with something due today as well. Better to drop out Wednesday than miss a Friday deadline? Dunno.

David has moved house, he stayed there last night for the first time. No more sleeping on our lounge floor. I'll miss having him around, although we actually do have a housemate Dan is never home and it was good to have someone else in the house I could veg with. I swear I get cabin-fever too quickly with Craig sometimes.

No real plans for this weekend - my brother and his wife and family will be in town, I'll probably end up catching up with them and going to the zoo or something, which could be fun. Could be a good time to test out the new camera! The two older kids will be complete showoffs, I can already see it. No matter, it's all good practice. Wonder if I can come up with a theme/storyline, rather than just following them around and having them pull faces at the camera. I'll have a think about it. I'm sure that no matter what I do, mum will love a DVD of the grandkids at the zoo, so I can't really lose.

I have to sign up at a place called "Media Resource Centre". It means I get cheaper access to video lights, editing suites, etc, as well as other people interested in film making. Could be fun. I get one free consultation when I join up, I'd best write a huge list of questions to be answered. There are lots of things I don't know, like how best to record the sound, lighting tips, home-made steadycam tips, etc. Lots of things, since it's free I might as well get the most out of it. And I want to buy some accessories for my new toy, like batteries. There's even a sports case, where you can go up to 2 metres underwater. Don't think it'd ever get used to that extreme, but that could be a good safety measure for when I'm snowboarding over Christmas. I'd quite happily strap it to the front of me knowing it wouldn't get saturated when I fall (and I will) into the snow.

Anyway, that's enough from me, I'm due at the chiropractor in an hour or so and I still have work to do.

Oh, the party...

2003-10-09T06:28:00.001Z

went pretty well. I turned up late, gotta love delayed flights. Knackered as, basically. Got home to the surprise party, to see something that wasn't that much of a surprise, all the deaf people on the couches signing at each other, and all the hearing people in the kitchen drinking and talking at each other. Even those who can do both were still sitting with their respective groups.

Wasn't too bad though, birthday girl enjoyed herself, and when half the people had left, took most of the rest out to a few pubs to continue getting bevvied up.

Was good to see some of my deaf friends again, too.

We all unanimously decided that Craig was a lousy host. No softdrink on hand, everything disorganised. I take days off of work to organise my parties, he must think it comes naturally. I think he needs to watch closer next time I have one of my soirees.

I ended up paying about $50 for everyone's pizza. Turns out no one wanted to chip in. Deaf people are notoriously tight, it seems.

Oh well, the birthday girl had fun, and that's all that matters. :)

Port Lincoln

2003-10-06T07:13:00.001Z

Here I am in Port Lincoln for the weekend. The long weekend - it's Monday and I'm going home in a couple of hours. It's been reasonably enjoyable, at least this visit I haven't been strapped for things to do; it's been busy since I got here on Saturday afternoon.

I got to see my new niece, she's a couple of months old now, I think. I've never been good with ages :p She's gorgeous though. As is her older sister, who is now about 16 months (or something). She's up running around, jumping off things, and generally being adorable all round, really.

I also got to see some other relatives whom I love dearly, as well as Dad's cousin Ian, who was my childhood hero. Probably has something to do with him always blowing things up or setting fire to things. He's still able to produce fireworks for the kids out of his car, so he hasn't changed a bit. He's got three kids of his own now, which is a bit different, but he's still pretty much a big kid himself. Great fun.

Managed to find some time to spend it with mum down at the beach side cafe, sipping coffees and enjoying the food. I am a bit of a mummy's boy, after all, so it was good to spend time with her. Dad spent the day playing golf, and we drove up with my brother and his wife (and four kids) to a nearby coastal town (half an hour away) so I could take photos of a motel that is for sale there. My boyfriend's parents are interested, but they don't know the area, so I wanted to give them a better idea.

Well, time to pack and head back, I think. I have a friend's 22nd birthday party at my place tonight; it's a surprise get-together, basically. Hopefully all organised, since I'm turning up at home the same time as the birthday girl.. lol

Talk soon :)

Personalities

2003-10-02T03:22:00.001Z

Thoughts on our opinions and personalities

Personalities are interesting things. I was having a fantastic discussion with a good friend of mine last night. At times we were getting so frustrated at the lack of tolerance in the world. We had quite different upbringings, yet we both have the same views on a lot of things. Such as why the hell we're so hung up on race, colour, creed, or sexuality. I mean, why? Why does the colour of our skin change who we are? Why does a cosmetic change of skin alter people's beliefs about you? And do we really care who sleeps with who? Why does my choice of partner affect who I am as a person? I'm still me, regardless of who my partner is. Take that partner away, it doesn't change me as a person.

Far too many people have adopted the opinions of their parents, or of their friends around them. Chances are, too, that the opinions of their friends around them is only that of their friend's parents, anyway. I mean, this is logical. Until you've actually met a "gay person", or a "black person", why would have you had a chance to formulate your own *real* opinion of them? So you might as well just inherit your opinion.

It just annoys me when I see these people, with no *real* opinions of their own, using those same opinions as a basis for hatred. As a gay man, I see a lot of it. Most of the time it doesn't really bother me, I decided long ago to accept humanity, warts and all. If humanity at large wants to be bigoted, well, so be it. But when it affects me personally, that's when I get angry. Some of these people are so blind! They just can't see reason. They can't step out of their opinion for a moment, and look at it from another point of view. They won't even entertain the fact that their opinion might not really be based on anything valid. If they've had a bad experience with a black person, so be it. If they've had a gay man be really inappropriate towards them, so be it. But unless they've got something to back up their opinion, they don't have a damn right to have such hatred. "I hate poofs." Well, honey, how many poofs do you actually know? Sheesh.

But back to personalities. My friend and I were wondering, just how it was that we think like this. Without entering the debate of nature vs nurture, we can generalise and say we get a lot of our morals from our parents, whether it be genetically or environmentally. But my parents have strong views on things that they don't really understand. They've certainly had trouble accepting my sexuality in the past. The unknown frightens them, and I guess that's how bigotry and discrimination arises. If you spend time with black people (for instance), you realise they're just the same as everyone else. Likewise with gay people. I remember chatting to a previous boss about some money issues I was having with my boyfriend. My boss remarked to me "gee, you seem to have the same issues we do". By "you" he meant "gay people", and by "we" he meant "straight people". And he was genuinely surprised. And he most certainly didn't discriminate against me on the basis of my sexuality, he knew right from the outset and had never had issues with it. But still, from not really having known any gay couples, he hadn't *had* to think about if they're much the same as any straight couple.

My conclusion? If we don't have a personal experience with something, we're bound to adopt the opinions of our parents, or those around us. But I think we close our mind to too many things if we *fight* to keep those opinions. As a great mentor to me once said, "Fight for your limitations, and they're yours."

Civil Liberties

2003-09-29T03:26:00.001Z

Ideas on Iraq and civil rights at home

Last night at dinner with the in-laws (my boyfriend's mother's 50th birthday dinner, actually) we all got onto the debate of Iraq, and America's actions and attitudes. Great conversation ensured. As a family, we never talked like that. No one ever really had an opinion at the dinner table; we sat, we ate, we got up, we went our separate ways. Dinner was just a functional thing, not an intellectual thing.

Which is why I love dinner with the in-laws.

So last night it was his dad saying (about his brother and myself) that we're just America haters, we'd hate anything America chooses to do, we could find fault with anything they'd do. It's not that, although America does give us plenty of material to whinge about.

I believe the crux of what we were arguing about, was civil liberties. I'm a great believer in the analogy that countries are people, with all the associated issues. We, as individuals, have a right to privacy. We have a right to access to a lawyer when accused of a crime. And the police can't come into our house (at least in Australia) without first obtaining a search warrant from a magistrate. And there has to be a good explanation given by the police to the magistrate to get that warrant.

Lets take my countries = people analogy. US = police. Iraq = citizen. UN = magistrate. In this instance, the UN did give the warrant, infact they helped look. But they didn't find anything. The police, without any evidence, ignored the advice of the magistrate, and barged into the house, not only violating the civil liberties of the residents, but also trying to assassinate the head of the house, and then change the way the house runs.

Obviously there are differences, but it's basically the same thing. Iraq was judged guilty by the people who don't have the right to judge them guilty. We have the UN for that. But now with the US doing what they damn well please, it's much the same as a crime syndicate doing what it wants because the police are powerless to stop them. And who wants to piss off crime syndicates? No one.

Now, I'm mostly being a devil's advocate here. I believe that yes, there probably were WMD in Iraq, and that Saddam Hussein is a bad person, used murder to get his own way, maltreated his people, etc etc. And yes, I think Iraq probably would be a nicer place with a democracy.

But we have international laws for a reason. For the same reason it's illegal for the police to enter your house without a warrant. Sometimes the criminals will get away with the crime. Sometimes they'll get away with murder. But the second we take away the common person's right to privacy, and security within their own home, and give that right to the police to enter their home, then we're living in a police state.

Heck, I'd much rather a magistrate made the decision to ransack my house looking for evidence, rather than the average policeman. The average policeman isn't interested in justice, he's interested in answers for the mysteries he's trying to solve. We have magistrates who are appointed to keep our civil liberties.

Here's another analogy, which we also discussed last night.

A common storyline on cop shows and legal shows is the plot where the cops have obtained evidence illegally. We the viewer know the accused is guilty, the cops know it, the judge knows it, even the jury knows it. But because the evidence was obtained illegally, it's inadmissible, and the accused gets away with murder. The average person screams "injust!" and I don't blame them. It pisses me off, too. But as my bf's brother said last night, he'd rather 12 criminals go unpunished, than 1 innocent person incarcerated. Or even executed, in some states of America. And I agree. We have to maintain our civil liberties.

My bf's father lives in a reasonably affluent suburb, and has a good job, two educated healthy sons, and a loving wife. He doesn't do anything wrong. He'll never break the law, and chances are, he'll never be accused of something he hasn't done. He can't *know* what it's like to be falsely accused of something. He'll never live in a country where his way of life is threatened. Iraqi's have a way of life too, and we're threatening it. I asked him "so if Iraq moved into Australia, forced you to worship Allah, pray 5 times a day, cover your wife from head to toe, not eat meat, how would you feel?" He said "if I lived under a government that has been guilty of genocide, and the new regime promised to do things fairly, I'd be standing at the wharves, waving them in, welcoming their way of life." Besides thinking that's bullshit, I then pointed out that the Australian government *had* been guilty of genocide with the Australian Aboriginals, and he went rather quiet at that point. Still, I think it's remarkably easy for him to make those kind of value calls from the safety of his dining table, knowing that Australia is "friends" with the biggest bully in the school yard with the biggest fists.

The US judged Iraq without due process, and found them guilty, having ignored the independent arbiter in the process. To me, that's illegal. And we lose a culture along with it. The middle east has supported life (whether or not we personally agree with that way of life) for thousands of years. America is a baby, compared to them, what gives the US the right to march in and shove a democracy down their throat? Japan had functioned for over 500 years without a civil war, before America decided it needed to industrialise them. America started with a religious argument, then committed genocide with the American Indians, had a civil war to get it's own independence, and now is taking away the independence of a different country, under the guise of "giving them their independence".

Is anyone else worried that America has troops in many many MANY countries throughout the world now? If you think "no", ask yourself would you be worried if they were all German troops stationed all throughout the world, and Germany had access to so many weapons of mass destruction. I think you'd sleep a little less easy.

I see the US like a TV evangelist. They think they're right. They think they have the only solution. They think everyone would benefit from seeing things their way. People who think differently are going to hell. Their life's mission is to convert everyone to their way of thinking, and they can't fathom how someone might like to live a little differently.

Personally, I don't agree with Saddam Hussein's politics, and murder doesn't sit right with me. Neither do nuclear weapons of any sort. But what sits even less right with me, is blindly treating everyone that doesn't think the same as you, as a criminal that needs to be "fixed".

Australia is one of the most diverse countries in the world, we are made up of so many different cultures. Unfortunately my bf's father doesn't see that as a good thing. I think we should embrace diversity, and enjoy our differences, and see everyone as equal. And admitting that even if you don't understand someone, a culture, a race, a country, you accept them anyway. We're all equal!

Moving On

2003-09-16T05:22:00.001Z

Thoughts on loving ex boyfriends

Once you break up, is it better to move on completely? How do you turn intense love, into indifference? Often that can occur when the split up is nasty. Intense love turns to intense hate, in an instant.

But what if you still have intense love for someone, and they dump you, how do you deal with that? People tell you to "move on", and sure, you can find someone else. And sure, you can love that person with just as much intensity.

But what about the ex? Do you begin to not care for them?

Once I love someone, I can't really undo that.

I don't love all my exes with the same intensity, though. There are two that I still love dearly. I guess it can be put down to whether I'd date them again. These two, I would.

But I'm currently attached. To someone I love.

You know, if we lived in a more open minded world, I'd be quite happy dating all three. Call me a bigamist if you will, or polygamist, actually. But I have love for these people, I care about what happens to them, and about their happiness.

I've been chatting to one of my exes today. It's like we stuffed it up when we had a go at it, and we've both changed. Given other circumstances, we'd probably give it another go. I guess the "other circumstances" is if I was single. Well, that also depends on my ex, and whether they'd actually give it another go, too. I know I would.

Am I wrong for thinking about it, whilst I'm attached? Should I deny love I have for others, when I'm with someone? I'd prefer not to.

Of course, I don't blab about them all the time. Or blog about them all the time. I guess in an ideal world I'd be able to show (and prove) my love & affection for those that love me back.

Until jealousy rears it's ugly head.. It's easy to be a hypocrite in these situations.

What are we?

2003-09-15T05:06:00.001Z

Thoughts on our atomic composition and our position in the world

We're just atoms, right? What's a rock? Atoms. What's my laptop? Atoms. Where did I come from? Well, apart from that book having the answer, it's established that we're not sure. Where did my laptop come from? Well, it's component parts, I suppose. Out of the ground. Where did my ancestors go? Into the ground. Are my ancestors part of my laptop? Quite possibly.

Consider us humans, and consider a rock. What's the difference? Not much. We have component atoms. We just have moving parts. Ok, perhaps we have more in common with plants. What's the difference? We have legs, they do not. We have intelligence; they, arguably, don't. With our intelligence we've crafted clothes to wrap our bodies in, tools with which to make it easier to get food. But we're still basically the same thing, component atoms. When we both die, we both get absorbed back into the earth, back to join the large pool of atoms that don't currently make up humans, or plants, or other "living" creatures.

Apart from the odd meteorite hitting earth, or the satellites we fling into outer space, we're not growing or anything. We basically keep the same amount of atoms, we can't "create" any, right? So the greater we populate the earth, the more of this pool of atoms we take up, right?

So the earth is just this big hulk of atoms, some rising from the earth to be part of humans or to rise from the earth to be plants, to be consumed my humans, to become part of humans, and then to be released back in to the earth at a later stage, possibly to become another plant, a rock, or a mineral only to end up in someone's laptop.

To me that's remarkably visual.. this ever changing ever morphing lump of earth, popping out "creatures" on it's surface, only to take them back in later.

Fascinating.